HISTORY 101 RE-VISITED

For those of you who slept through World History 101,
here is the condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived
on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and
lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history
were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer,
and the beer to the man. These facts formed the
foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity
into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and
that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither
the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting
around waiting for them to be invented, they
just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed. Some men spent their days
tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the
Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the conservatives
by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This
was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved
into women. The rest became known as
girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include
the domestication of cats, the invention of
group therapy and group hugs, the evolution
of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide
all the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came
to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful
land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime
added), but most prefer white wine or imported
bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note:
most liberal women have higher testosterone
levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists,
dreamers and scheemers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat
red meat.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction
workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, athletes, golfers, and
generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing, but they like
to govern the producers and decide what to do
with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of
trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a
momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history
that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers.... :-)
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