10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.....
#####
no caption necessary
our heroes.....
.... and GOOD riddance!!
time to CLEAN HOUSE!!
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Saturday, February 14, 2009
WONDERFUL RADIO
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer
yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of
their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and
nearly creamed my new truck, but
I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, 'A** Holes!'
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play,
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by
Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry
on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons,
Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this truck!!
yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of
their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and
nearly creamed my new truck, but
I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, 'A** Holes!'
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play,
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by
Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry
on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons,
Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this truck!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists inIraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so,I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in'New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me onelast time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr.US Marine, what is your final wish?''Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?''No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,'insisted the Marine.So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11!In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?''What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three ass holes report that I was the aggressor....?
THE HOME SCHOOLING CONUMDRUM
a guy was telling his buddy that he just found
out disturbing news...
his young son was having "inappropriate relations"
with his teacher.
hearing that, the buddy kinda snickered n' lauhged
it off....saying thats the dream of all school boys.
to which the father replied......
'yeah, but my son is home-schooled!!'
out disturbing news...
his young son was having "inappropriate relations"
with his teacher.
hearing that, the buddy kinda snickered n' lauhged
it off....saying thats the dream of all school boys.
to which the father replied......
'yeah, but my son is home-schooled!!'
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY
Dear Fellow Constituent:
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now accepting donations. The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous quotes by George Walker Bush:
1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world..'
11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
... George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
#####
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now accepting donations. The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous quotes by George Walker Bush:
1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world..'
11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
... George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
#####
Sunday, February 8, 2009
NOWEGIAN MATH TEST
Norwegian Math Test A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Without numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.' The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.' The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.' 'So, ven do I start?
'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.' The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.' The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.' 'So, ven do I start?
JOB INTERVIEW
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's
Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
“Your qualifications all look good, but there
is an attitude suitability test that you must
take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk,
he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit??”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant.
“When can you start?”
#####
Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
“Your qualifications all look good, but there
is an attitude suitability test that you must
take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk,
he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit??”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant.
“When can you start?”
#####
Friday, February 6, 2009
BANK STORY
LETTER TO MY BANK
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening
internationally with banks at the moment,
I was wondering if you could advise me.
If one of my checks is returned marked
"insufficient funds," how do I know whether
that refers to me or to you??
#####
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening
internationally with banks at the moment,
I was wondering if you could advise me.
If one of my checks is returned marked
"insufficient funds," how do I know whether
that refers to me or to you??
#####
THE STIMULUS PROGRAM
Stimulus Payment Information
"This year, taxpayers will receive an
Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will
explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And, none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at
yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos,
since those are the only businesses still in the US .
#####
"This year, taxpayers will receive an
Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will
explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And, none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at
yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos,
since those are the only businesses still in the US .
#####
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
INAUGURAL ICE CREAM
This one is politically INcorrect . . .
So I knew you would like it!
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream
in honor of the inauguration -- "Barocky Road".
It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by
fruits and nuts!
#####
So I knew you would like it!
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream
in honor of the inauguration -- "Barocky Road".
It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by
fruits and nuts!
#####
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