The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775 - they've had 234 years to get it right; it is broke, and even though heavily subsidized, it can't compete with private sector FedExp and UPS services.
Social Security was established in 1935 - they've had 74 years to get it right; it is broke.
Fannie Mae was established in 1938 - they've had 71 years to get it right; it is broke. Freddie Mac was established in 1970 - they've had 39 years to get it right; it is broke. Together Fannie and Freddie have now led the entire world into the worst economic collapse in 80 years.
The War on Poverty was started in 1964 - they've had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our hard-earned money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor"; it hasn't worked -- they're still poor.
Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965 - they've had 44 years to get it right; they are both broke; and now our government dares to mention them as models for all U.S. health care??!!
AMTRAK was established in 1970 - they've had 39 years to get it right; last year they bailed it out as it continues to run at a loss!
This year, a trillion dollars was committed in the massive political BLACKMAIL called the Stimulus Bill of 2009; it shows NO sign of working; it's been used to increase the size of governments across America, and raise government salaries while the rest of us suffer from economic hardships. It has yet to create a single new private sector job. Our national debt projections (approaching $10 trillion) have increased 400% in the last six months.
"Cash for Clunkers" was established in 2009 and went broke in 2009 - - after 80% of the cars purchased turned out to be produced by FOREIGN companies, and dealers nationwide are buried under bureaucratic paperwork demanded by a government that is not yet paying them what was promised.
So with a perfect 100% failure rate and a record that proves that each and every "service" shoved down our throats by an over-reaching government turns into disaster, how could any informed American trust our government to run or even set policies for America's health care system - - 17% of our economy?
Maybe each of us has a personal responsibility to let others in on this brilliant record before 2010, and then help remove from office those who are voting to destroy capitalism and destroy our grandchildren's future.
REMEMBER!! www.FireCongress.ORG
no caption necessary
our heroes.....
.... and GOOD riddance!!
time to CLEAN HOUSE!!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Saturday, October 31, 2009
CURRENT JOKES
Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.
Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.
Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.
Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.
Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.
Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
CHEAP HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots (about $5) .
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of
Guns & Ammo Magazine (another $5) ..
3. Put a few giant dog dishes ($5 at GoodWill) next to the boots and magazines.
4 Leave a note on your door that reads:
Babe, Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour..
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman again this
morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was
hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the
house. Better wait outside.
Cooter
1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots (about $5) .
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of
Guns & Ammo Magazine (another $5) ..
3. Put a few giant dog dishes ($5 at GoodWill) next to the boots and magazines.
4 Leave a note on your door that reads:
Babe, Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour..
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman again this
morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was
hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the
house. Better wait outside.
Cooter
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking..
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only..
White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking..
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only..
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
JOKES
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
REMEMBER RR ?
'Here's my strategy on the Cold War:
We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan
'The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant;
it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan
'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the
U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like if Moses had run them through
the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan
'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite
at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'- Ronald Reagan
'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth
is a government program.' - Ronald Reagan
'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have
learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan
'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it' - Ronald Reagan
'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many
rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
- Ronald Reagan
'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as
formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
- Ronald Reagan
'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God,
then we will be a nation gone under.'- Ronald Reagan
We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan
'The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant;
it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan
'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the
U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like if Moses had run them through
the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan
'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite
at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'- Ronald Reagan
'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth
is a government program.' - Ronald Reagan
'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have
learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan
'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it' - Ronald Reagan
'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many
rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
- Ronald Reagan
'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as
formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
- Ronald Reagan
'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God,
then we will be a nation gone under.'- Ronald Reagan
A SATISFIED TAXPAYER
A Satisfied Taxpayer
=====================
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
On this April 15th tax return due date you will find enclosed my
2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper,
dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department
of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid
$600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and
six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot,
bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as
noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 inch
Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today
newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5 inch
Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.
To recap my enclosures:
Four toilet seats
Six hammers
and
One screw
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
=====================
Dear Internal Revenue Service:
On this April 15th tax return due date you will find enclosed my
2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper,
dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department
of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid
$600.00 per toilet seat.
I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and
six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot,
bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as
noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 inch
Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today
newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5 inch
Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.
To recap my enclosures:
Four toilet seats
Six hammers
and
One screw
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
AMERICAN EDUCATION 1957 vs. 2007
HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!
AMEN TO THAT !!!!
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.
Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.
Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.
Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.
Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.
Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.
Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.
This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!
AMEN TO THAT !!!!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
A TEXAS STORY
A man is sitting in a bar far from home when
Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a
horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches
him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool,
then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV.
He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other
side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender,
"I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "This is Horse country!!"
#####
Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a
horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches
him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool,
then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV.
He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other
side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender,
"I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "This is Horse country!!"
#####
Friday, May 8, 2009
NEW STRATEGY IN IRAQ
The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation
of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off
into Iraq and will be given only the following facts
about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
4. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over
by Saturday.
Applications are available at your local
Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.
#####
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
POLICE DO CARE
Body found in the River......
Grass Valley Police Department reports finding a
man's body in the Yuba river just west of the
Edwards Xing Bridge .
The dead man's name will not be released until
his family has been notified. The victim apparently
drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter
belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Republican Tee-shirt.
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police removed the Republican Tee-shirt to
spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
Police do care!!
#####
Grass Valley Police Department reports finding a
man's body in the Yuba river just west of the
Edwards Xing Bridge .
The dead man's name will not be released until
his family has been notified. The victim apparently
drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter
belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Republican Tee-shirt.
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police removed the Republican Tee-shirt to
spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
Police do care!!
#####
Monday, May 4, 2009
THE GREAT SYSTEM
An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had
never failed a single student before but had once failed
an entire class.
The class had insisted that socialism worked and that
no one would be poor and no one would be rich, thus a
great equalizer.
The professor then said okay, we will have an experiment
in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged
and everyone would receive the same grade so no one
would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone
got a B. The students who studied hard were upset, and
the students who studied little were happy.
But, as the second test rolled around, the students who
studied little had studied even less and the ones who
studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too,
so they studied very little. The second test average was a D!!
No one was happy. When the third test rolled around,
the average was an F. The scores never increased as
bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard
feelings and no one would study for anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise. And the professor
told them that socialism would ultimately fail because
the harder to succeed, the greater the reward, but when
a government takes all the reward away, no one will
try OR succeed.....
#####
never failed a single student before but had once failed
an entire class.
The class had insisted that socialism worked and that
no one would be poor and no one would be rich, thus a
great equalizer.
The professor then said okay, we will have an experiment
in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged
and everyone would receive the same grade so no one
would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone
got a B. The students who studied hard were upset, and
the students who studied little were happy.
But, as the second test rolled around, the students who
studied little had studied even less and the ones who
studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too,
so they studied very little. The second test average was a D!!
No one was happy. When the third test rolled around,
the average was an F. The scores never increased as
bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard
feelings and no one would study for anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise. And the professor
told them that socialism would ultimately fail because
the harder to succeed, the greater the reward, but when
a government takes all the reward away, no one will
try OR succeed.....
#####
Friday, May 1, 2009
FLYING PIGS
It was often said that a black man would be
elected President when pigs flew.
Well behold, just 100 days into Barack Obama's
Presidency.... and SWINE FLU!
#####
elected President when pigs flew.
Well behold, just 100 days into Barack Obama's
Presidency.... and SWINE FLU!
#####
Thursday, April 30, 2009
TOP TEN REASONS.....
The Top Ten Reasons President Barak Obama
Delayed the Use of Deadly Force on the 'Somali Pirates'
10. They are potential campaign donors for 2012.
9. One looked like a former neighbor.
8. All were carrying DNC cards.
7. When BO's staff identified them as "Pirates",
Barak Obama thought they were from Pittsburgh.
6. Two of the four were registered with "ACORN".
5. Didn't want to support the use of firearms for protection,
thus backing the stance of the 'NRA'.
4. Wanted positive confirmation that they were in fact,
not members of the Rainbow Coalition.
3. The Tele-prompter was broken and he had nothing to say.
2. No Photo-op existed.
and the Number # 1 reason.....
1. They may be Relatives
#####
Delayed the Use of Deadly Force on the 'Somali Pirates'
10. They are potential campaign donors for 2012.
9. One looked like a former neighbor.
8. All were carrying DNC cards.
7. When BO's staff identified them as "Pirates",
Barak Obama thought they were from Pittsburgh.
6. Two of the four were registered with "ACORN".
5. Didn't want to support the use of firearms for protection,
thus backing the stance of the 'NRA'.
4. Wanted positive confirmation that they were in fact,
not members of the Rainbow Coalition.
3. The Tele-prompter was broken and he had nothing to say.
2. No Photo-op existed.
and the Number # 1 reason.....
1. They may be Relatives
#####
Monday, April 27, 2009
HOW BANKERS ARE MADE
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought adonkey from a farmer for $100.00.The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $850." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him fifty dollars."
After that Chuck went to work for Goldman Sachs.
#####
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $850." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him fifty dollars."
After that Chuck went to work for Goldman Sachs.
#####
Saturday, April 25, 2009
WHO KNEW??
An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.
The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency
room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor
appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but
his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped
against her cheeks with shock!
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
#####
The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency
room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor
appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but
his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped
against her cheeks with shock!
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
#####
CROCODILE THOUGHTS
two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size As kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!!!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase....."
#####
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size As kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!!!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase....."
#####
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
APOLOGIZE TO OUR SOUTHERN NEIGHBORS??
And now we apologize to our southern neighbors as well?
Peter Heck - Guest Columnist - 4/14/2009 7:50:00 AM
As I was sitting in church waiting for the start of the service, my grandpa came walking towards me pointing his finger. No matter how old I get, and no matter how long he's been out of the U.S. Navy, that's still an intimidating sight. As he approached me, his voice quivered as he said, "We saved that continent twice...how dare my president apologize for this country's arrogance." My grandpa is right. Americans need not apologize to the world for their arrogance; rather, Americans should apologize to their forefathers for the arrogance of their president. Barack Obama's first foreign trip as President of the United States has confirmed the naiveté so many of us feared during the election cycle. But worse than that, it has also demonstrated that our president suffers from either a complete misunderstanding of our heritage and history, or an utter contempt for it. Neither is excusable. Garnering cheers from the French of ALL people,
President Obama declared, "In America, there is a failure to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive." Consider that Obama spoke these words just 500 miles from the beaches of Normandy, where the sand is still stained with 65-year-old blood of "arrogant Americans." Indeed, columnist Mark Whittington observes, "One should remind Mr. Obama and the Europeans how America has 'shown arrogance' by saving Europe from itself innumerable times in the 20th Century. World War I, World War II, the Cold War, and the wars in the Balkans were largely resolved by American blood, treasure, and leadership." But all that appears lost on the president's seemingly insatiable quest to mend fences he imagines have been tarnished by the bullish George W. Bush. If Obama wishes to continue trampling the presidential tradition of showing class to former office holders and publicly trash Bush for his own personal gain, so be it. But all Americans should make clear that no man – even if he is the president – will tarnish the legacy of those Americans who have gone before us. Ours is not a history of arrogance. It is a histor y of courage, self-sacrifice, and honor.When abusive monarchs repressed the masses, Americans resisted and overthrew them. When misguided policies led to the unjust oppression of fellow citizens, Americans rebelled and overturned them. When millions of impoverished and destitute wretches sought a new beginning, Americans threw open the door and welcomed them. When imperial dictators were on the march, Americans surrendered their lives to stop them. When communist thugs threatened world peace, Americans bled to defeat them. When an entire continent was overwhelmed with famine and hunger, Americans gave of themselves to sustain it. When terrorist madmen killed the innocent and subjugated millions, Americans led the fight to topple them.This is the legacy that generations of Americans have left. If President Obama seeks stronger relations with the world community, perhaps he should begin by reminding them of these very truths, rather than condemning his own countrymen on foreign shores.This "obsessive need to put down his own country," has caused blogger James Lewis to call President Obama a "stunningly IGNORANT man" who has evidently never spoken to a concentration camp survivor, a Cuban refugee, a boat person from Vietnam, a Soviet dissident, or a survivor of Mao's purges. Unfortunately, I can no longer bring myself to give Mr. Obama that benefit of the doubt. Not after looking at the pain in my grandpa's eyes... a man who still carries shrapnel in his body from his service to this country. As a student and teacher of history, I recognize that America has made mistakes... plenty of them, in fact. But one of the great things about our people has been their courage and humility in admitting and correcting those mistakes. God willing, they will prove that willingness again in four years and correct the mistake that is the presidency of Barack Obama.
#####
Peter Heck - Guest Columnist - 4/14/2009 7:50:00 AM
As I was sitting in church waiting for the start of the service, my grandpa came walking towards me pointing his finger. No matter how old I get, and no matter how long he's been out of the U.S. Navy, that's still an intimidating sight. As he approached me, his voice quivered as he said, "We saved that continent twice...how dare my president apologize for this country's arrogance." My grandpa is right. Americans need not apologize to the world for their arrogance; rather, Americans should apologize to their forefathers for the arrogance of their president. Barack Obama's first foreign trip as President of the United States has confirmed the naiveté so many of us feared during the election cycle. But worse than that, it has also demonstrated that our president suffers from either a complete misunderstanding of our heritage and history, or an utter contempt for it. Neither is excusable. Garnering cheers from the French of ALL people,
President Obama declared, "In America, there is a failure to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive." Consider that Obama spoke these words just 500 miles from the beaches of Normandy, where the sand is still stained with 65-year-old blood of "arrogant Americans." Indeed, columnist Mark Whittington observes, "One should remind Mr. Obama and the Europeans how America has 'shown arrogance' by saving Europe from itself innumerable times in the 20th Century. World War I, World War II, the Cold War, and the wars in the Balkans were largely resolved by American blood, treasure, and leadership." But all that appears lost on the president's seemingly insatiable quest to mend fences he imagines have been tarnished by the bullish George W. Bush. If Obama wishes to continue trampling the presidential tradition of showing class to former office holders and publicly trash Bush for his own personal gain, so be it. But all Americans should make clear that no man – even if he is the president – will tarnish the legacy of those Americans who have gone before us. Ours is not a history of arrogance. It is a histor y of courage, self-sacrifice, and honor.When abusive monarchs repressed the masses, Americans resisted and overthrew them. When misguided policies led to the unjust oppression of fellow citizens, Americans rebelled and overturned them. When millions of impoverished and destitute wretches sought a new beginning, Americans threw open the door and welcomed them. When imperial dictators were on the march, Americans surrendered their lives to stop them. When communist thugs threatened world peace, Americans bled to defeat them. When an entire continent was overwhelmed with famine and hunger, Americans gave of themselves to sustain it. When terrorist madmen killed the innocent and subjugated millions, Americans led the fight to topple them.This is the legacy that generations of Americans have left. If President Obama seeks stronger relations with the world community, perhaps he should begin by reminding them of these very truths, rather than condemning his own countrymen on foreign shores.This "obsessive need to put down his own country," has caused blogger James Lewis to call President Obama a "stunningly IGNORANT man" who has evidently never spoken to a concentration camp survivor, a Cuban refugee, a boat person from Vietnam, a Soviet dissident, or a survivor of Mao's purges. Unfortunately, I can no longer bring myself to give Mr. Obama that benefit of the doubt. Not after looking at the pain in my grandpa's eyes... a man who still carries shrapnel in his body from his service to this country. As a student and teacher of history, I recognize that America has made mistakes... plenty of them, in fact. But one of the great things about our people has been their courage and humility in admitting and correcting those mistakes. God willing, they will prove that willingness again in four years and correct the mistake that is the presidency of Barack Obama.
#####
Sunday, April 19, 2009
THE DEA OFFICER
*A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana ,
and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher,
'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
*The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field
over there' as he points out the location.*
*The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government
with me!!' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes
his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.*
*'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?'*
*The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes
about his chores.*
*A short time later, the old rancher hears loud
screams and sees the DEA officer running for his
life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before
he reaches safety.*
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws
down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top
of his lungs.....
'Your HIM your badge! Show him your badge, smartass!!'
#####
and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher,
'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
*The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field
over there' as he points out the location.*
*The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government
with me!!' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes
his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.*
*'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?'*
*The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes
about his chores.*
*A short time later, the old rancher hears loud
screams and sees the DEA officer running for his
life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before
he reaches safety.*
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws
down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top
of his lungs.....
'Your HIM your badge! Show him your badge, smartass!!'
#####
DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN, OR A REDNECK??
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 cal., and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
DEMOCRAT'S ANSWER:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
REPUBLICAN'S ANSWER:
BANG!
REDNECK'S ANSWER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 cal., and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
DEMOCRAT'S ANSWER:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.
REPUBLICAN'S ANSWER:
BANG!
REDNECK'S ANSWER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
THE PIED PIPER
There was a Pied Piper who said
We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!
And the people said, Change is good!
Then he said, We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,
*And the people said, "Sock it to them!" and redistribute
their wealth.
*And the people said, "Show me the money!"
And then he said, Redistribution of wealth is good for
everybody!
* And Joe the plumber said, "Are you kidding me?"
And Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized.
*And one lone reporter asked, "Isn't that Marxist policy?"
.…And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then someone asked, "With no foreign relations
experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?"
And the Pied Piper said, Simple. I’ll sit down and talk
with them andshow them how nice we really are and
they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll give 95% of you lower taxes.
*And one, lone voice said, "But 40% of us don't pay ANY
taxes!"
So the Pied Piper said, Then I'll give you some of the
taxes the fat-cats pay!
*And the people said, "Show me the money!"
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll tax your Capital Gains
when you sell your homes!
*And the people yawned and the slumping housing
market collapsed.
And he said, I'll mandate employer-funded health
care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage.
*And the people said, "Gimme some of that!"
Then he said, I'll penalize employers who ship jobs
overseas.
*And the people said, "Where's my rebate check?"
Then the Pied Piper actually said, I'll bankrupt the
coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!
*And the people said, "Coal is dirty, coal is evil,
no more coal! But we don't care for that part about
higher electric rates."
So the Pied Piper said, Not to worry. If your rebate isn't
enough to cover your expenses, we'll bail you out.
Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!
Then he said, illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted.
Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education,
free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and
guaranteed housing
*And the people said, "Ole`! Bravo!" And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling
costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid
off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of
business and the economy slowed even further.
Then the Pied Piper said, I am the Messiah and I'm
here to save you!
We'll just print more money so everyone will have enough!
But our foreign trading partners said, "Wait a minute.
Your dollar isn't worth what it was. You'll have to pay more."
*And the people said, "Wait a minute. That's not fair!"
And the world said, "Neither are those other, idiotic programs
you've embraced. You've become a Socialist state and a
second-rate power. Now you'll play by our rules!"
*And the people said,
"What have we done?" But it was too late.....
If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes
and ears. It's happening RIGHT NOW!!!
#####
We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!
And the people said, Change is good!
Then he said, We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,
*And the people said, "Sock it to them!" and redistribute
their wealth.
*And the people said, "Show me the money!"
And then he said, Redistribution of wealth is good for
everybody!
* And Joe the plumber said, "Are you kidding me?"
And Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized.
*And one lone reporter asked, "Isn't that Marxist policy?"
.…And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then someone asked, "With no foreign relations
experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?"
And the Pied Piper said, Simple. I’ll sit down and talk
with them andshow them how nice we really are and
they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll give 95% of you lower taxes.
*And one, lone voice said, "But 40% of us don't pay ANY
taxes!"
So the Pied Piper said, Then I'll give you some of the
taxes the fat-cats pay!
*And the people said, "Show me the money!"
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll tax your Capital Gains
when you sell your homes!
*And the people yawned and the slumping housing
market collapsed.
And he said, I'll mandate employer-funded health
care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage.
*And the people said, "Gimme some of that!"
Then he said, I'll penalize employers who ship jobs
overseas.
*And the people said, "Where's my rebate check?"
Then the Pied Piper actually said, I'll bankrupt the
coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!
*And the people said, "Coal is dirty, coal is evil,
no more coal! But we don't care for that part about
higher electric rates."
So the Pied Piper said, Not to worry. If your rebate isn't
enough to cover your expenses, we'll bail you out.
Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!
Then he said, illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted.
Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education,
free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and
guaranteed housing
*And the people said, "Ole`! Bravo!" And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling
costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid
off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of
business and the economy slowed even further.
Then the Pied Piper said, I am the Messiah and I'm
here to save you!
We'll just print more money so everyone will have enough!
But our foreign trading partners said, "Wait a minute.
Your dollar isn't worth what it was. You'll have to pay more."
*And the people said, "Wait a minute. That's not fair!"
And the world said, "Neither are those other, idiotic programs
you've embraced. You've become a Socialist state and a
second-rate power. Now you'll play by our rules!"
*And the people said,
"What have we done?" But it was too late.....
If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes
and ears. It's happening RIGHT NOW!!!
#####
Monday, April 13, 2009
NEW TAX RULES
Subject: IRS Tax Due Date 2009
Not sure if this is true, but Snopes does not
list it as false.
Might want to check it out with the IRS and
your Senators.
Income taxes are normally due on April 15
unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday,
in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th....
However, that rule has recently been changed.
For this year and for the next 3 years, tax payments
are not due until you are nominated to a Cabinet
position in the Obama administration!!
#####
Not sure if this is true, but Snopes does not
list it as false.
Might want to check it out with the IRS and
your Senators.
Income taxes are normally due on April 15
unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday,
in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th....
However, that rule has recently been changed.
For this year and for the next 3 years, tax payments
are not due until you are nominated to a Cabinet
position in the Obama administration!!
#####
SOUNDS LIKE A GOVERNMENT PROGRAM
The story below is currently making the email rounds and appears on dozens of Web sites. As of now, it's impossible to determine whether or not it's factual or simply an April Fools' Day joke. (It is rather suspicious that the article is undated and shows no originating news source.) IF the story is in fact true, it's proof again, not that it's needed, than total morons walk among us.
In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.So, Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.
TEACHING MATH
Fifty-twoYears of Math 1957 - 2009
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
#####
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.
I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
#####
THEY WANTED "CHANGE"
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself
to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a
BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have
to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase
our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy,
we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are
family here and I didn't know how to choose who would
have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking
lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our
Employees' cars and have decided these folks will be
the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to
approach this problem. They voted for change;
I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
#####
to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a
BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have
to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase
our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy,
we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are
family here and I didn't know how to choose who would
have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking
lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our
Employees' cars and have decided these folks will be
the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to
approach this problem. They voted for change;
I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
#####
Thursday, April 9, 2009
CONSTIPATION CURE
Dr. Jack’s Cure For Constipation
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent
constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the
following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally
in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid,
Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emanuel, Barney Frank,
Chris Dodd, and Al Gore."
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are
probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice.
I'm just doing a public service.
#####
If you are bothered by occasional or frequent
constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the
following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:
"My financial and personal well being are totally
in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid,
Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emanuel, Barney Frank,
Chris Dodd, and Al Gore."
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are
probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice.
I'm just doing a public service.
#####
SEXUAL HABITS
SEXUAL ADVICE XX
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed
a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it. '
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if
that's what you like, so long as you take care not
to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified.
'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course, ' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think politicians come from??'
#####
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed
a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it. '
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if
that's what you like, so long as you take care not
to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified.
'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course, ' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think politicians come from??'
#####
REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY
Redneck word of the day: "OBAMA"
"I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND
DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!!"
"I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND
DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!!"
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
MISS THIS GUY??
'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan
'The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant;
it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan'
Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the
U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like if Moses had run them through
the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan
#####
'The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant;
it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan'
Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the
U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like if Moses had run them through
the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan
#####
ECONOMIC NOTICE
Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of
electricity, gas, and oil -- as well as current
market conditions and the continued decline
of the U.S. economy --
The "Light at the End of the Tunnel" has been
turned off.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
#####
electricity, gas, and oil -- as well as current
market conditions and the continued decline
of the U.S. economy --
The "Light at the End of the Tunnel" has been
turned off.
We apologize for any inconvenience.
#####
Thursday, March 12, 2009
NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS
New Stock Market Terms
CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Office
BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the s ucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.# # # # #
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily
& recycle. It's called the 401-Keg!!!
=================
CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Office
BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the s ucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.# # # # #
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily
& recycle. It's called the 401-Keg!!!
=================
Monday, March 9, 2009
SERIOUS FINANCIAL SITUATION
THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE!!
I LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL
HAVE MY WIFE....
I LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL
HAVE MY WIFE....
Thursday, March 5, 2009
POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY
1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion
that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself
into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can
always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt
to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to
pay off with YOUR money!!
--G. Gordon Liddy
#####
that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams
2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain
3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain
4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself
into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill
5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can
always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw
6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt
to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to
pay off with YOUR money!!
--G. Gordon Liddy
#####
A GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed a desire to become a "great" writer.
When asked to define "great" he said
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will
read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!!"
He now works for Microsoft writing non-sensical
error messages.....
#####
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
PROOF
Today's Quote:
"Americans grew tired of being thought
to be dumb by the rest of the world,
so they went to the polls and removed all
doubt!!"
(in 2000, 2004, 2008....)
"Americans grew tired of being thought
to be dumb by the rest of the world,
so they went to the polls and removed all
doubt!!"
(in 2000, 2004, 2008....)
LINCOLN / OBAMA
It is amazing how much they have in common.....
1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.
2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois .
3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.
4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.
5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.
6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
9. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.
10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
#####
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN
10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.....
#####
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.....
#####
Saturday, February 14, 2009
WONDERFUL RADIO
I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer
yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of
their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and
nearly creamed my new truck, but
I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, 'A** Holes!'
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play,
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by
Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry
on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons,
Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this truck!!
yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.
Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of
their awesome songs.
Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and
nearly creamed my new truck, but
I swerved in time to avoid them.
I yelled, 'A** Holes!'
Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play,
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by
Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry
on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons,
Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.
Damn, I LOVE this truck!!
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists inIraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so,I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in'New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me onelast time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr.US Marine, what is your final wish?''Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?''No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,'insisted the Marine.So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11!In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?''What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three ass holes report that I was the aggressor....?
THE HOME SCHOOLING CONUMDRUM
a guy was telling his buddy that he just found
out disturbing news...
his young son was having "inappropriate relations"
with his teacher.
hearing that, the buddy kinda snickered n' lauhged
it off....saying thats the dream of all school boys.
to which the father replied......
'yeah, but my son is home-schooled!!'
out disturbing news...
his young son was having "inappropriate relations"
with his teacher.
hearing that, the buddy kinda snickered n' lauhged
it off....saying thats the dream of all school boys.
to which the father replied......
'yeah, but my son is home-schooled!!'
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY
Dear Fellow Constituent:
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now accepting donations. The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous quotes by George Walker Bush:
1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world..'
11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
... George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
#####
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now accepting donations. The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous quotes by George Walker Bush:
1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world..'
11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
... George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
#####
Sunday, February 8, 2009
NOWEGIAN MATH TEST
Norwegian Math Test A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Without numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.
'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.' The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.' The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.' 'So, ven do I start?
'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.' The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'
The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.' The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'
The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.' 'So, ven do I start?
JOB INTERVIEW
A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's
Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
“Your qualifications all look good, but there
is an attitude suitability test that you must
take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk,
he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit??”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant.
“When can you start?”
#####
Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
“Your qualifications all look good, but there
is an attitude suitability test that you must
take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk,
he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit??”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant.
“When can you start?”
#####
Friday, February 6, 2009
BANK STORY
LETTER TO MY BANK
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening
internationally with banks at the moment,
I was wondering if you could advise me.
If one of my checks is returned marked
"insufficient funds," how do I know whether
that refers to me or to you??
#####
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening
internationally with banks at the moment,
I was wondering if you could advise me.
If one of my checks is returned marked
"insufficient funds," how do I know whether
that refers to me or to you??
#####
THE STIMULUS PROGRAM
Stimulus Payment Information
"This year, taxpayers will receive an
Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will
explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And, none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at
yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos,
since those are the only businesses still in the US .
#####
"This year, taxpayers will receive an
Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will
explain using the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And, none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at
yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos,
since those are the only businesses still in the US .
#####
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
INAUGURAL ICE CREAM
This one is politically INcorrect . . .
So I knew you would like it!
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream
in honor of the inauguration -- "Barocky Road".
It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by
fruits and nuts!
#####
So I knew you would like it!
Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream
in honor of the inauguration -- "Barocky Road".
It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by
fruits and nuts!
#####
Saturday, January 31, 2009
DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED
Ham and eggs....
All in a day's work for a chicken--
a lifetime commitment for the pig.
All in a day's work for a chicken--
a lifetime commitment for the pig.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
SCHOOL LESSONS
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian
student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered
the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar,
who had his handup: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the
People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians!'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand
and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said
'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!
'Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
'MichaelJackson to the child witnesses testifying against
him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around
the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think THAT
was the American people, November 4, 2008!!"
#####
student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered
the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar,
who had his handup: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the
People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians!'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand
and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said
'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!
'Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
'MichaelJackson to the child witnesses testifying against
him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around
the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think THAT
was the American people, November 4, 2008!!"
#####
Sunday, January 25, 2009
DETECTING MENTAL ILLNESS
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an
academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened
to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to
schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked,
'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple
question which anyone should answer with no
trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you
on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook’ made three
trips around the world and died during one of
them. Which one?
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a
nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have
another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history....'
#####
academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened
to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to
schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked,
'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple
question which anyone should answer with no
trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you
on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook’ made three
trips around the world and died during one of
them. Which one?
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a
nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have
another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history....'
#####
TWO QUOTES
'My friends, we live in the greatest nation
in the history of the world.
I hope you'll join with me as we try to
change it.'
-- Barack Obama
''Life's tough......it's even tougher if
you're stupid.''
-- John Wayne
#####
Saturday, January 17, 2009
SENIOR NOTES
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where
her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee,
"today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not
delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as
she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shit... so that's why no one was at church today!!"
#####
The irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where
her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee,
"today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not
delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as
she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shit... so that's why no one was at church today!!"
#####
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
A FABLE -- FORD VS. TOYOTA
A Modern Parable.
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.The next year the Japanese won by two miles.Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.
The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads, AND collecting bonuses...IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY!
#####
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.The next year the Japanese won by two miles.Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.
The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads, AND collecting bonuses...IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY!
#####
Monday, January 5, 2009
NEW WALL STREET TERMS
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
#####
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
#####
UPDATED JOKE DEPT.
John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven.God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.”God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.”God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks,
“Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat....”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks,
“Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat....”
Friday, January 2, 2009
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT??
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes right at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large > fries, and a diet coke. > > > > > Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then > chain the pens to the counters. > > > > >
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars > in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. > > > > >
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and > buns in packages of eight. > > > > > >
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with > Braille lettering. > > > > >
EVER WONDER ...> >
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens> our skin? > > > > >
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? > > > > >
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? > > > > > Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? > > > > > Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? > > > > > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing > liquid made with real lemons? > > > > > Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? > > > > > Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush > hour? > > > > > Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? > > > > > Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? > > > > > Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? > > > > > You know that indestructible black box that is used on > airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that > stuff?! > > > > > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? > > > > > > Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? > > > > > If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of > progress? > > > > > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the > terminal? > > > > > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread > the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile > to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. > We all need to smile every once in a while. > >
Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes right at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large > fries, and a diet coke. > > > > > Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then > chain the pens to the counters. > > > > >
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars > in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. > > > > >
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and > buns in packages of eight. > > > > > >
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with > Braille lettering. > > > > >
EVER WONDER ...> >
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens> our skin? > > > > >
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? > > > > >
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? > > > > > Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? > > > > > Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? > > > > > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing > liquid made with real lemons? > > > > > Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? > > > > > Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush > hour? > > > > > Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? > > > > > Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? > > > > > Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? > > > > > You know that indestructible black box that is used on > airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that > stuff?! > > > > > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? > > > > > > Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? > > > > > If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of > progress? > > > > > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the > terminal? > > > > > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread > the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile > to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. > We all need to smile every once in a while. > >
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