WINNING VS. LOSING

What's the difference between an Obama
victory celebration in urban America and
an Obama election loss?
If Obama loses, people will be smashing
storefronts and overturning cars and
setting them on fire.
If Obama wins, people will be smashing
storefronts and overturning cars and
setting them on fire.
#####

MARCH, 1948

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947,
(almost exactly 60 Years ago,) witnesses claim that an
unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard
crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside
Roswell , New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident that many say has long
been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other
federal Agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the
month of March, 1948, nine months after that historic
day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep???
I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a
lot of things for you. It did for me.
Now you know the rest of the story!!!!
#####

THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

The GEORGE W. BUSH PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY
is now in the planning stages, and the Library
will include:
01. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room,
which no one has yet been able to find.
02. The Hurricane Katrina Room , which is still
under construction.
03. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't
be able to remember anything.
04. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where
you don't even have to show up.
05. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they
don't let you in.
06. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they
don't let you out.
07. The National Debt Room, which is huge
and has no ceiling.
08. The Tax Cut Room, with entry restricted
only to the wealthy.
09. The Airport Men's Room, where you can
meet some of your favorite Republican
Senators.
10. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
11. The Iraq War Room, after you complete
your first tour, they make you to go back for
a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth tour.
12. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous
undisclosed location, complete with shotgun
gallery.
13. The Environmental Conservation Room,
still empty, but very warm.
14. The Supreme Court Gift Shop, where you
can buy an election.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart
board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice,
coins, and straws.
Additionally, the museum will have an
electron microscope to help you locate the
President's accomplishments.
Admission: Republicans - free:
Democrats - $1000 or 3 Euros.
#####

THE BOOK

Remember the title of his book ~
"The Audacity of Hope"!

'From the time Barack Obama was sworn
in as a United States Senator, to the time
he announced he was forming a Presidential
exploratory committee, he logged 143 days
of experience in the Senate. That's how
many days the Senate was actually in
session and working.
After 143 days of "work experience",
Obama believed he was ready to be
Commander-In-Chief, Leader of the Free
World, and fill the shoes of Abraham
Lincoln, FDR, JFK and Ronald Reagan.
143 days?? I keep leftovers in my refrigerator
longer than that!!.'
- Columnist Cheri Jacobus
#####

OIL PRICING

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

OPEC sells oil for $136.00 a barrel.
OPEC nations buy U.S. grain at $7.00 a bushel.
* * * * * * *
Solution: Sell grain for $136.00 a bushel.
Can't buy it? Tough! Eat your oil!
Ought to go well with a nice thick grilled
filet of camel ass!!!

next question, please?
#####

IT'S THE ACCENT....

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having
breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he
would like, and he replies, 'I'd like a bowl of
oatmeal and some fruit.'
'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'
she asked.
George W. looks up from his menu and replies
with his trademark wink and slight grin,
'How about a quickie this morning?'
'Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims,
'how rude! You're starting to act like
President Clinton.' and the waitress storms away.
Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers....
'It's pronounced 'quiche!!'
#####

STAINS

A blonde goes into the cleaners & drops
off a blouse to be dry-cleaned.
As she's leaving, the man behind the
counter says, 'Come again.'
The blonde stops and says,
'No, it's mustard this time!!'
#####

MORE CHANGE??

A few weeks ago I read a joke ...
it said all the politicians running for
president are promising change to the
American people.
We send them billions and billions of tax
dollars and they send us the change!!
Funny? Not really -- there is too much
truth in it to be funny. That got me to
thinking ... they all promise change.
How about if they run on a promise of
RESTORATION rather than change??
A restoration that would take us back in
time to a place where things ran better,
smoother, and life was more enjoyable.
Change? That, in truth, is what they have
been giving us all along....
Observe:
We used to have a strong dollar ...
politicians changed that.
Life used to be sacred ...
politicians changed that.
Marriage used to be sacred ...
politicians are changing that.
We used to be respected around the
world ...
politicians changed that.
We used to have a strong
manufacturing economy ...
politicians changed that!!
We used to have lower tax structures ...
politicians changed that.
We used to enjoy more freedoms ...
politicians changed that.
We used to be a large exporter of
American made goods ...
politicians changed that.
We used to be an openly Christian
nation ...
politicians changed that.
We used to teach patriotism in
schools ...
politicians changed that.
We used to educate children in
schools ... politicians changed that.
(now our kids have "self esteme")
We used to enjoy freedom of speech ...
politicians changed that with their
political correctness.
We used to have affordable food and
gas prices...politicians changed that, too.
One could go on and on with this list.
Politicians are promising even more
change --IF YOU WILL ELECT THEM!!
When, oh when, is America going to sit
back with open eyes and look at what
we once were and where we have come
to and say, "enough is enough!!"?
The trouble is, America's youthful voters
today don't know of the great America
that existed forty and fifty years ago.
They see the world as if it has always
existed as it is now. (Mtv and video games.)
When will we wake up?
Tomorrow may be too late.
When will America realize ....
POLITICIANS ARE WHAT IS WRONG
WITH AMERICA!!??
#####

IOWA PLANS

The important question here is:
Why are those dumb Iowans out there rolling up
their sleeves and rebuilding their own towns?
That’s just gonna make some of those politicians
upset!! :-)

Where are all of the Hollywood celebrities holding
telethons asking for help in restoring Iowa and helping
the folks affected by the floods?
Where is all the media asking the tough questions
about why the federal government hasn't solved the
problem?
Asking where the FEMA trucks (and trailers) are?
Why isn't the Federal Government relocating Iowa
people to free hotels in Chicago ?
When will Spike Lee say that the Federal Government
blew up the levees that failed in Des Moines?
Where are Sean Penn, the Dixie Chicks, Susan Sarandan,
Alec Baldwin, and Baa Baa Striesand???
Where are all the looters stealing high-end tennis shoes
and big screen television sets?
When will we hear Governor Chet Culver say that he
wants to rebuild a "vanilla" Iowa , because that's the
way God wants it?
Where is the hysterical 24/7 media coverage complete
with reports of cannibalism?
Where are the people declaring that George Bush hates
white, rural people?
How come in 2 weeks, you will never hear about the
Iowa flooding ever again? (Well, HAVE you?)
Where are the debit cards for Iowans?#####

THE PLAN

THE PLAN
A.. Back off and let those men who want to
marry men, marry men.
B.. Allow those women who want to marry
women, marry women.
C.. Allow those folks who want to abort their
babies, abort their babies
D.. In three generations, there will be no
Democrats.
Damn -- I love it when a plan comes together!!
#####

THE IRISH VIEWPOINT

(slightly out of date, but still funny!!)

We, in Ireland , can't figure out why people are even
bothering to hold an election in the United States.
On one side, you have a lawyer, married to a lawyer,
running against a lawyer who is married to a lawyer.
On the other side, you have a war hero married to a
good-looking woman who owns a beer distributorship.
What are you lads thinking over there???'
#####

TRAFFIC PROBLEMS

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the interstate.
Nothing is moving. Suddenly a man knocks on the
window.
The driver rolls down his window and asks,
"What's going on?"
"Terrorists down the road have kidnapped
George W. Bush and Dick Cheney. They're asking
for a $100 million ransom. Otherwise they're going
to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire.
We're going from car to car, taking up a collection"
he says.
The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving,
on average?"
"Most people are giving about a gallon....."
#####

THE OIL CRISES

A lot of folks can't understand how we came
to have an oil shortage here in our country.

Well, there's a very simple answer....
Nobody bothered to check the oil.

We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
OUR OIL is located in ~~~Alaska ~~~California
~~~Coastal Florida~~~ Coastal Louisiana and Texas.
BUT OUR DIPSTICKS are located inWashington , DC!!!!
Any Questions?
#####

THE NEW PRESIDENT

St. Peter was at the Pearly Gates checking up on
the people waiting to enter Heaven. He asked the
next one in line,
"So, who are you, and what did you do on Earth?"
The fellow said,
"I'm Barack Obama, and I was the first black to be
elected president of the United States.
"St. Peter said, "The U.S.? A black President?
You gotta be kidding me! When did this happen?"
Obama said, "ohhh..... about twenty minutes ago!!"
#####

NBA OR NFL??

Is It NBA Or NFL?
can you tell which it is??

36 have been 'accused' of spousal abuse.
7 have been arrested for fraud.
19have been accused of writing bad checks.
'117' have 'directly' or in-directly 'bankrupted'
at least 2 businesses.
3 have done time for assault.
71 -repeat - 71 cannot get a credit card;
because of bad credit.
14 have been arrested on ' -related' charges.
8 have been arrested for shoplifting.
21 currently are defendants in lawsuits,
and 84 have been arrested for drunk
driving in the last year.

Can you guess which organization this is?
NBA or NFL.......?

Give up yet? Scroll down.

Neither --
It's the 435 members of the 'United States'
Congress, the same group of 'Idiots' that pass
hundreds of new laws each year, designed
to keep the rest of us in line!!
#####

SURGEONS AND PATIENTS

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who
makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, 'I like to see
accountants on my operating table because when
you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'
The second, from Chicago , responds, 'Yeah, but
ou should try electricians! Everything inside them
is color coded.'
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, 'No, I really
think librarians are the best, everything inside them
is in alphabetical order.'
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in:
'You know, I like construction workers... Those
guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over.'
But the fifth surgeon, from Washington DC, shut
them all up when he observed:
'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to
operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls,
no brains, and no spine. And the head and the
ass are interchangeable!!'
#####

HISTORY 101 RE-VISITED

For those of you who slept through World History 101,
here is the condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small
bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived
on deer in the mountains during the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and
lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history
were:
1. The invention of beer, and
2. The invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer,
and the beer to the man. These facts formed the
foundation of modern civilization and together
were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity
into two distinct sub-groups:
1. Liberals
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and
that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither
the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented
yet, so while our early humans were sitting
around waiting for them to be invented, they
just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed. Some men spent their days
tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night
while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as the
Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at
hunting learned to live off the conservatives
by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This
was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved
into women. The rest became known as
girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include
the domestication of cats, the invention of
group therapy and group hugs, the evolution
of the Hollywood actor, and the concept of
Democratic voting to decide how to divide
all the meat and beer that conservatives
provided.

Over the years, Conservatives came
to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful
land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime
added), but most prefer white wine or imported
bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note:
most liberal women have higher testosterone
levels than their men. Most social workers,
personal injury attorneys, journalists,
dreamers and scheemers in Hollywood and
group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer and eat
red meat.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo
cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction
workers, medical doctors, police officers,
corporate executives, athletes, golfers, and
generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing, but they like
to govern the producers and decide what to do
with the production.

Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened
than Americans. That is why most of the liberals
remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America . They crept in after the
Wild West was tamed and created a business of
trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history.
It should be noted that a liberal may have a
momentary urge to angrily respond to the above
before forwarding it.
A conservative will simply laugh and be so
convinced of the absolute truth of this history
that it will be forwarded immediately to other
true believers.... :-)
#####

TRACTOR JUMP

A friend of mine has 4 extra
tickets for the Robbie Knievel
(son of Evel Knievel) event at
the Ford Center this weekend
if anybody wants them. He's
going to try to jump 1000 McCain
supporters with a bulldozer!!
Should be a good time. Let me know!!
#####

WALKING EAGLE

WALKING EAGLE
Whether you are a Democrat or a Republican, you
might enjoy reading this -- 'Walking Eagle'.

Senator BARACK OBAMA was invited to address a
major gathering of the American Indian Nation two
weeks ago in upstate New York. He spoke for almost
an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native
American's present standard of living, should he one
day become the President.
He referred to his career as a Senator, how he had
signed 'YES' for every Indian issue that came to his
desk for approval. Although the Senator was vague on
the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic
about his future ideas for helping his 'red sisters and
brothers'. At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes
presented the Senator with a plaque inscribed with
his new Indian name - "Walking Eagle". The proud
Senator then departed in his motorcade, waving to
the crowds.
A news reporter later inquired to the group of Chiefs
of how they came to select the new name given to the
Senator. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the
name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly!!
#####

NIGHTMARE!!

In the nightmare I found myself nude in bed, and I was looking at a mirror on the ceiling, and I discovered that I am a Negro, and I'm circumcised! Quickly I sat up, found my pants and looked in the pockets to find my driver's license photo and it was that same color -- black. I felt myself being very depressed, downcast, sitting in a chair. But it's a wheelchair!! That means, of course, besides being black I'm also disabled!!! I said to myself, aloud 'This is impossible. It's impossible that I should be black and disabled.'
'It's the pure and holy truth', whispers someone from behind me. I turn around, and it's my boyfriend... Juan. Just what I needed!!! I am a homosexual, and on top of that, with a mexican boyfriend. Oh, my God..... Black, disabled, gay, with a mexican Boyfriend, drug addict, and HIV-positive!!! Desperate, I begin to shout, cry, pull my hair, and Oh, noooooo... I'mBald!!! The telephone rings. It's my brother. He is saying, 'Since mom and dad died the only thing you do is hang out, take drugs, and lay around all day doing nothing. Get a job you worthless piece of crap... Any job.'
Mom?... Dad?... Nooooooooo... Now I'm also an unemployed orphan! I try to explain to my brother how hard it is to find a job when you are black, disabled, gay with a mexican boyfriend, are a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, and an orphan. But he doesn't get it. Frustrated, I hang up. It's then I realize I only have one hand!!! With tears in my eyes I go to the window to look out. I see I live in a shanty-town full of cardboard and tin houses! There is trash everywhere. Suddenly I feel a sharp pain near my pacemaker.... Pacemaker? Besides being black, disabled, a fairy with a mexican boyfriend, a drug addict, HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, an invalid with one hand, and having a bad heart, I live in a crappy neighborhood!!
At that very moment my boyfriend approaches and says to me, 'SweetiePie, my love, my little black heartthrob, have you decided who are you going to vote for in the primary? Hillary or Obama??? I can handle being a black, disabled, one armed, drug addicted, queer on a pacemaker who is HIV positive, bald, orphaned, unemployed, lives in a slum, and has a mexican boyfriend, but please, oh dear God, please don't tell me I'm a Democrat too!!!
#####

SNOW WHITE

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs
(A Political Fable)
The seven dwarfs always left to go work
in the mine early each morning. As always,
Snow White stayed home doing her
domestic chores. As lunchtime approached,
she would prepare their lunch and carry it
to the mine. One day as she arrived at the mine
with the lunch, she saw that there had been a
terrible cave-in!
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White
began calling out, hoping against hope that the
dwarfs had somehow survived. 'Hello!...Hello!'
she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer.
Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she
heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
singing . . ... 'Vote for John McCain! - Vote for
John McCain!'
Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself
and prayed, 'Oh, thank you, God! At least
Dopey is still alive!!
#####

SAVING THE AIRLINES

HOW to SAVE the AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants.
No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants
with good-looking strippers! What the
hell -- they don't even serve food anymore,
so what's the loss? The strippers would at
least triple the alcohol sales and get a
'party atmosphere' going in the cabin.
And, of course, every businessman in this
country would start flying again, hoping to
see naked women. Because of the tips, female
flight attendants wouldn't need a salary,
thus saving even more money. I suspect tips
would be so good that we could charge the
women for working the plane and have them
kick back 20% of the tips, with the lap dances
and other 'special services'.
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for
fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would
come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry
would see record revenues. This is definitely a
win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden
opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself???
Sincerely, Bill Clinton
#####