TOP TEN REASONS.....

The Top Ten Reasons President Barak Obama
Delayed the Use of Deadly Force on the 'Somali Pirates'

10. They are potential campaign donors for 2012.
9. One looked like a former neighbor.
8. All were carrying DNC cards.
7. When BO's staff identified them as "Pirates",
Barak Obama thought they were from Pittsburgh.
6. Two of the four were registered with "ACORN".
5. Didn't want to support the use of firearms for protection,
thus backing the stance of the 'NRA'.
4. Wanted positive confirmation that they were in fact,
not members of the Rainbow Coalition.
3. The Tele-prompter was broken and he had nothing to say.
2. No Photo-op existed.
and the Number # 1 reason.....
1. They may be Relatives
#####

HOW BANKERS ARE MADE

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought adonkey from a farmer for $100.00.The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $850." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him fifty dollars."
After that Chuck went to work for Goldman Sachs.
#####

WHO KNEW??

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.
The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency
room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor
appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but
his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped
against her cheeks with shock!
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
#####

CROCODILE THOUGHTS

two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size As kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!!!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase....."
#####

APOLOGIZE TO OUR SOUTHERN NEIGHBORS??

And now we apologize to our southern neighbors as well?
Peter Heck - Guest Columnist - 4/14/2009 7:50:00 AM
As I was sitting in church waiting for the start of the service, my grandpa came walking towards me pointing his finger. No matter how old I get, and no matter how long he's been out of the U.S. Navy, that's still an intimidating sight. As he approached me, his voice quivered as he said, "We saved that continent twice...how dare my president apologize for this country's arrogance." My grandpa is right. Americans need not apologize to the world for their arrogance; rather, Americans should apologize to their forefathers for the arrogance of their president. Barack Obama's first foreign trip as President of the United States has confirmed the naiveté so many of us feared during the election cycle. But worse than that, it has also demonstrated that our president suffers from either a complete misunderstanding of our heritage and history, or an utter contempt for it. Neither is excusable. Garnering cheers from the French of ALL people,
President Obama declared, "In America, there is a failure to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive." Consider that Obama spoke these words just 500 miles from the beaches of Normandy, where the sand is still stained with 65-year-old blood of "arrogant Americans." Indeed, columnist Mark Whittington observes, "One should remind Mr. Obama and the Europeans how America has 'shown arrogance' by saving Europe from itself innumerable times in the 20th Century. World War I, World War II, the Cold War, and the wars in the Balkans were largely resolved by American blood, treasure, and leadership." But all that appears lost on the president's seemingly insatiable quest to mend fences he imagines have been tarnished by the bullish George W. Bush. If Obama wishes to continue trampling the presidential tradition of showing class to former office holders and publicly trash Bush for his own personal gain, so be it. But all Americans should make clear that no man – even if he is the president – will tarnish the legacy of those Americans who have gone before us. Ours is not a history of arrogance. It is a histor y of courage, self-sacrifice, and honor.When abusive monarchs repressed the masses, Americans resisted and overthrew them. When misguided policies led to the unjust oppression of fellow citizens, Americans rebelled and overturned them. When millions of impoverished and destitute wretches sought a new beginning, Americans threw open the door and welcomed them. When imperial dictators were on the march, Americans surrendered their lives to stop them. When communist thugs threatened world peace, Americans bled to defeat them. When an entire continent was overwhelmed with famine and hunger, Americans gave of themselves to sustain it. When terrorist madmen killed the innocent and subjugated millions, Americans led the fight to topple them.This is the legacy that generations of Americans have left. If President Obama seeks stronger relations with the world community, perhaps he should begin by reminding them of these very truths, rather than condemning his own countrymen on foreign shores.This "obsessive need to put down his own country," has caused blogger James Lewis to call President Obama a "stunningly IGNORANT man" who has evidently never spoken to a concentration camp survivor, a Cuban refugee, a boat person from Vietnam, a Soviet dissident, or a survivor of Mao's purges. Unfortunately, I can no longer bring myself to give Mr. Obama that benefit of the doubt. Not after looking at the pain in my grandpa's eyes... a man who still carries shrapnel in his body from his service to this country. As a student and teacher of history, I recognize that America has made mistakes... plenty of them, in fact. But one of the great things about our people has been their courage and humility in admitting and correcting those mistakes. God willing, they will prove that willingness again in four years and correct the mistake that is the presidency of Barack Obama.
#####

THE DEA OFFICER

*A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana ,
and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher,
'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
*The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field
over there' as he points out the location.*
*The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government
with me!!' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes
his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.*
*'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?'*
*The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes
about his chores.*
*A short time later, the old rancher hears loud
screams and sees the DEA officer running for his
life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before
he reaches safety.*
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws
down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top
of his lungs.....
'Your HIM your badge! Show him your badge, smartass!!'
#####

DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN, OR A REDNECK??

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 cal., and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

DEMOCRAT'S ANSWER:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

REPUBLICAN'S ANSWER:
BANG!

REDNECK'S ANSWER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'

THE PIED PIPER

There was a Pied Piper who said
We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!
And the people said, Change is good!
Then he said, We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,
*And the people said, "Sock it to them!" and redistribute
their wealth.
*And the people said, "Show me the money!"
And then he said, Redistribution of wealth is good for
everybody!
* And Joe the plumber said, "Are you kidding me?"
And Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized.
*And one lone reporter asked, "Isn't that Marxist policy?"
.…And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then someone asked, "With no foreign relations
experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?"
And the Pied Piper said, Simple. I’ll sit down and talk
with them andshow them how nice we really are and
they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll give 95% of you lower taxes.
*And one, lone voice said, "But 40% of us don't pay ANY
taxes!"
So the Pied Piper said, Then I'll give you some of the
taxes the fat-cats pay!
*And the people said, "Show me the money!"
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll tax your Capital Gains
when you sell your homes!
*And the people yawned and the slumping housing
market collapsed.
And he said, I'll mandate employer-funded health
care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage.
*And the people said, "Gimme some of that!"
Then he said, I'll penalize employers who ship jobs
overseas.
*And the people said, "Where's my rebate check?"
Then the Pied Piper actually said, I'll bankrupt the
coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!
*And the people said, "Coal is dirty, coal is evil,
no more coal! But we don't care for that part about
higher electric rates."
So the Pied Piper said, Not to worry. If your rebate isn't
enough to cover your expenses, we'll bail you out.
Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!
Then he said, illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted.
Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education,
free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and
guaranteed housing
*And the people said, "Ole`! Bravo!" And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling
costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid
off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of
business and the economy slowed even further.
Then the Pied Piper said, I am the Messiah and I'm
here to save you!
We'll just print more money so everyone will have enough!
But our foreign trading partners said, "Wait a minute.
Your dollar isn't worth what it was. You'll have to pay more."
*And the people said, "Wait a minute. That's not fair!"
And the world said, "Neither are those other, idiotic programs
you've embraced. You've become a Socialist state and a
second-rate power. Now you'll play by our rules!"
*And the people said,
"What have we done?" But it was too late.....

If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes
and ears. It's happening RIGHT NOW!!!
#####

NEW TAX RULES

Subject: IRS Tax Due Date 2009

Not sure if this is true, but Snopes does not
list it as false.
Might want to check it out with the IRS and
your Senators.
Income taxes are normally due on April 15
unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday,
in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th....

However, that rule has recently been changed.
For this year and for the next 3 years, tax payments
are not due until you are nominated to a Cabinet
position in the Obama administration!!
#####

SOUNDS LIKE A GOVERNMENT PROGRAM

The story below is currently making the email rounds and appears on dozens of Web sites. As of now, it's impossible to determine whether or not it's factual or simply an April Fools' Day joke. (It is rather suspicious that the article is undated and shows no originating news source.) IF the story is in fact true, it's proof again, not that it's needed, than total morons walk among us.


In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.So, Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.

TEACHING MATH

Fifty-twoYears of Math 1957 - 2009

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
#####

THEY WANTED "CHANGE"

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself
to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a
BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have
to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase
our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy,
we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are
family here and I didn't know how to choose who would
have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking
lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our
Employees' cars and have decided these folks will be
the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to
approach this problem. They voted for change;
I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
#####

CONSTIPATION CURE

Dr. Jack’s Cure For Constipation

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent
constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the
following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally
in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid,
Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emanuel, Barney Frank,
Chris Dodd, and Al Gore."
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are
probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice.
I'm just doing a public service.
#####

SEXUAL HABITS

SEXUAL ADVICE XX

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed
a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it. '
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if
that's what you like, so long as you take care not
to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified.
'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course, ' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think politicians come from??'
#####

REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY

Redneck word of the day: "OBAMA"

"I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND
DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!!"