Ham and eggs....
All in a day's work for a chicken--
a lifetime commitment for the pig.
no caption necessary
our heroes.....
.... and GOOD riddance!!
time to CLEAN HOUSE!!
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
SCHOOL LESSONS
It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian
student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered
the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar,
who had his handup: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the
People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians!'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand
and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said
'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!
'Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
'MichaelJackson to the child witnesses testifying against
him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around
the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think THAT
was the American people, November 4, 2008!!"
#####
student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered
the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar,
who had his handup: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the
People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians!'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand
and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said
'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!
'Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
'MichaelJackson to the child witnesses testifying against
him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around
the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think THAT
was the American people, November 4, 2008!!"
#####
Sunday, January 25, 2009
DETECTING MENTAL ILLNESS
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an
academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened
to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to
schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked,
'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple
question which anyone should answer with no
trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you
on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook’ made three
trips around the world and died during one of
them. Which one?
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a
nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have
another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history....'
#####
academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened
to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to
schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked,
'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple
question which anyone should answer with no
trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you
on the track.'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook’ made three
trips around the world and died during one of
them. Which one?
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a
nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have
another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history....'
#####
TWO QUOTES
'My friends, we live in the greatest nation
in the history of the world.
I hope you'll join with me as we try to
change it.'
-- Barack Obama
''Life's tough......it's even tougher if
you're stupid.''
-- John Wayne
#####
Saturday, January 17, 2009
SENIOR NOTES
"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where
her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee,
"today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not
delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as
she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shit... so that's why no one was at church today!!"
#####
The irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where
her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee,
"today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not
delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as
she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shit... so that's why no one was at church today!!"
#####
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
A FABLE -- FORD VS. TOYOTA
A Modern Parable.
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.The next year the Japanese won by two miles.Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.
The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads, AND collecting bonuses...IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY!
#####
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.The next year the Japanese won by two miles.Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.
Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.
The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads, AND collecting bonuses...IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY!
#####
Monday, January 5, 2009
NEW WALL STREET TERMS
CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
#####
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
#####
UPDATED JOKE DEPT.
John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven.God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.”God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.”God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks,
“Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat....”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks,
“Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat....”
Friday, January 2, 2009
IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT??
Spread the Stupidity
Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes right at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large > fries, and a diet coke. > > > > > Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then > chain the pens to the counters. > > > > >
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars > in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. > > > > >
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and > buns in packages of eight. > > > > > >
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with > Braille lettering. > > > > >
EVER WONDER ...> >
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens> our skin? > > > > >
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? > > > > >
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? > > > > > Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? > > > > > Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? > > > > > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing > liquid made with real lemons? > > > > > Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? > > > > > Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush > hour? > > > > > Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? > > > > > Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? > > > > > Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? > > > > > You know that indestructible black box that is used on > airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that > stuff?! > > > > > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? > > > > > > Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? > > > > > If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of > progress? > > > > > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the > terminal? > > > > > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread > the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile > to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. > We all need to smile every once in a while. > >
Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes right at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large > fries, and a diet coke. > > > > > Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then > chain the pens to the counters. > > > > >
Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars > in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. > > > > >
Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and > buns in packages of eight. > > > > > >
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with > Braille lettering. > > > > >
EVER WONDER ...> >
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens> our skin? > > > > >
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? > > > > >
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? > > > > > Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? > > > > > Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? > > > > > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing > liquid made with real lemons? > > > > > Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? > > > > > Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush > hour? > > > > > Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? > > > > > Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? > > > > > Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? > > > > > You know that indestructible black box that is used on > airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that > stuff?! > > > > > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? > > > > > > Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? > > > > > If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of > progress? > > > > > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the > terminal? > > > > > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread > the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile > to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. > We all need to smile every once in a while. > >
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