National Rant Page

PLANNING AHEAD.....

2009-11-05T12:50:00.000-08:00

The U.S. Post Service was established in 1775 - they've had 234 years to get it right; it is broke, and even though heavily subsidized, it can't compete with private sector FedExp and UPS services.

Social Security was established in 1935 - they've had 74 years to get it right; it is broke.

Fannie Mae was established in 1938 - they've had 71 years to get it right; it is broke. Freddie Mac was established in 1970 - they've had 39 years to get it right; it is broke. Together Fannie and Freddie have now led the entire world into the worst economic collapse in 80 years.

The War on Poverty was started in 1964 - they've had 45 years to get it right; $1 trillion of our hard-earned money is confiscated each year and transferred to "the poor"; it hasn't worked -- they're still poor.

Medicare and Medicaid were established in 1965 - they've had 44 years to get it right; they are both broke; and now our government dares to mention them as models for all U.S. health care??!!

AMTRAK was established in 1970 - they've had 39 years to get it right; last year they bailed it out as it continues to run at a loss!

This year, a trillion dollars was committed in the massive political BLACKMAIL called the Stimulus Bill of 2009; it shows NO sign of working; it's been used to increase the size of governments across America, and raise government salaries while the rest of us suffer from economic hardships. It has yet to create a single new private sector job. Our national debt projections (approaching $10 trillion) have increased 400% in the last six months.

"Cash for Clunkers" was established in 2009 and went broke in 2009 - - after 80% of the cars purchased turned out to be produced by FOREIGN companies, and dealers nationwide are buried under bureaucratic paperwork demanded by a government that is not yet paying them what was promised.

So with a perfect 100% failure rate and a record that proves that each and every "service" shoved down our throats by an over-reaching government turns into disaster, how could any informed American trust our government to run or even set policies for America's health care system - - 17% of our economy?

Maybe each of us has a personal responsibility to let others in on this brilliant record before 2010, and then help remove from office those who are voting to destroy capitalism and destroy our grandchildren's future.

REMEMBER!! www.FireCongress.ORG

CURRENT JOKES

2009-10-31T23:55:00.000-07:00

Q: What's the main problem with Barack Obama jokes?
A: His followers don't think they're funny and everyone else doesn't think they're jokes.

Q: Why does Barack Obama oppose the Second Amendment?
A: It stands between him and the First.

Q: What's the difference between Rahm Emanuel and a carp?
A: One is a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other is a fish.

Q: What's the difference between Greta Van Susteren and Barack Obama?
A: Greta only talks out of one side of her mouth.

Q: What does Barack Obama call lunch with a convicted felon?
A: A fund raiser.

Q: What's the difference between Obama's cabinet and a penitentiary?
A: One's full of tax evaders, blackmailers and threats to society. The other is for prisoners.

Q: What's the difference between a large pizza and the typical Obama backer?
A: The pizza can feed a family of four.

CHEAP HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

2009-10-13T19:24:00.000-07:00

HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

1. Go to a secondhand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work
boots (about $5) .
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of
Guns & Ammo Magazine (another $5) ..
3. Put a few giant dog dishes ($5 at GoodWill) next to the boots and magazines.
4 Leave a note on your door that reads:

Babe, Big'un, Duke, Slim, & I went for more ammo and beer. Back in an hour..
Don't mess with the pit bulls - they attacked the mailman again this
morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was
hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the
house. Better wait outside.

Cooter

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

2009-10-13T19:18:00.000-07:00

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California .

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking..

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only..

JOKES

2009-06-17T23:16:00.000-07:00

The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded. 'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.' She looked down at his shoes and said: 'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'

The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?' The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "No, not this time!'

The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! 'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.'

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. 'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. 'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'

LINKS

2009-05-27T23:17:00.000-07:00

HERE IS A FINE LINK:

www.MySpace.com/HigherCodes

REMEMBER RR ?

2009-05-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War:
We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan

'The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan

'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant;
it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan

'Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the
U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan

'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like if Moses had run them through
the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan

'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan

'Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite
at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.'- Ronald Reagan

'The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth
is a government program.' - Ronald Reagan

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have
learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan

'Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few
short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it' - Ronald Reagan

'Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed, there are many
rewards; if you disgrace yourself, you can always write a book.'
- Ronald Reagan

'No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is as
formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women.'
- Ronald Reagan

'If we ever forget that we're one nation under God,
then we will be a nation gone under.'- Ronald Reagan

A SATISFIED TAXPAYER

2009-05-27T22:43:00.001-07:00

A Satisfied Taxpayer
=====================

Dear Internal Revenue Service:

On this April 15th tax return due date you will find enclosed my
2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.

Please note the attached article from the USA Today newspaper,
dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Pentagon (Department
of Defense) is paying $171.50 per hammer and NASA has paid
$600.00 per toilet seat.

I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and
six (6) hammers (valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Home Depot,
bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00. Please apply the
overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as
noted on my return.

You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5 inch
Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from USA Today
newspaper detailing how H.U.D. pays $22.00 each for 1.5 inch
Phillips Head Screws). One screw is enclosed for your
convenience.

To recap my enclosures:
Four toilet seats
Six hammers
and
One screw

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look
forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

AMERICAN EDUCATION 1957 vs. 2007

2009-05-27T22:15:00.000-07:00

HIGH SCHOOL -- 1957 vs. 2007
Scenario 1:
Jack goes quail hunting before school and then pulls into the school parking lot with his shotgun in his truck's gun rack.
1957 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2007 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario 2:
Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.
1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2007 - Police called and SWAT team arrives -- they arrest both Johnny and Mark. They are both charged them with assault and both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Scenario 3:
Jeffrey will not be still in class, he disrupts other students.
1957 - Jeffrey sent to the Principal's office and given a good paddling by the Principal. He then returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. He becomes a zombie. He is then tested for ADD. The school gets extra money from the state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Scenario 4:
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college and becomes a successful businessman.
2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. The state psychologist is told by Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has an affair with the psychologist.

Scenario 5:
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark shares his aspirin with the Principal out on the smoking dock.
2007 - The police are called and Mark is expelled from school for drug violations. His car is then searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario 6:
Pedro fails high school English.
1957 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.
2007 - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against the state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English is then banned from core curriculum. Pedro is given his diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario 7:
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the Fourth of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle and blows up a red ant bed.
1957 - Ants die.
2007 - ATF, Homeland Security and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism. The FBI investigates his parents -- and all siblings are removed from their home and all computers are confiscated. Johnny's dad is placed on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario 8:
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

This should hit every email inbox to show how stupid we have become!!
AMEN TO THAT !!!!

A TEXAS STORY

2009-05-19T23:09:00.000-07:00

A man is sitting in a bar far from home when
Barack Obama comes on TV.
The man looks at the TV and says, "Obama is a
horse's ass."
Out of nowhere, a local jumps up and punches
him in the face, knocking the first guy off his bar stool,
then stomps out.
He gets up, rubbing his cheek and orders another beer.
Shortly after, Michelle Obama appears on the TV.
He looks at the TV and says, "She is a horse's ass too!"
Out of nowhere, another local punches him on the other
side of the face, knocking him off his bar stool again.
He gets back up and looks at the bartender,
"I take it this is Obama country?"
"Nope." replies the bartender. "This is Horse country!!"
#####

NEW STRATEGY IN IRAQ

2009-05-08T18:54:00.000-07:00

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation
of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the
United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

These mostly Southern boys will be dropped off
into Iraq and will be given only the following facts
about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They don't like beer, pickups, country music, or Jesus.
4. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over
by Saturday.
Applications are available at your local
Wal-Mart sporting goods counter.
#####

POLICE DO CARE

2009-05-05T22:04:00.000-07:00

Body found in the River......
Grass Valley Police Department reports finding a
man's body in the Yuba river just west of the
Edwards Xing Bridge .
The dead man's name will not be released until
his family has been notified. The victim apparently
drowned due to excessive beer consumption.
He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter
belt, a strap-on dildo, and a Republican Tee-shirt.
He also had a cucumber stuffed up his ass.
The police removed the Republican Tee-shirt to
spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment.
Police do care!!
#####

THE GREAT SYSTEM

2009-05-04T22:17:00.000-07:00

An economics professor at Texas Tech said he had
never failed a single student before but had once failed
an entire class.
The class had insisted that socialism worked and that
no one would be poor and no one would be rich, thus a
great equalizer.
The professor then said okay, we will have an experiment
in this class on socialism. All grades would be averaged
and everyone would receive the same grade so no one
would fail and no one would receive an A.
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone
got a B. The students who studied hard were upset, and
the students who studied little were happy.
But, as the second test rolled around, the students who
studied little had studied even less and the ones who
studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too,
so they studied very little. The second test average was a D!!
No one was happy. When the third test rolled around,
the average was an F. The scores never increased as
bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard
feelings and no one would study for anyone else.
All failed, to their great surprise. And the professor
told them that socialism would ultimately fail because
the harder to succeed, the greater the reward, but when
a government takes all the reward away, no one will
try OR succeed.....
#####

FLYING PIGS

2009-05-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

It was often said that a black man would be
elected President when pigs flew.

Well behold, just 100 days into Barack Obama's
Presidency.... and SWINE FLU!

#####

TOP TEN REASONS.....

2009-04-30T00:17:00.001-07:00

The Top Ten Reasons President Barak Obama
Delayed the Use of Deadly Force on the 'Somali Pirates'

10. They are potential campaign donors for 2012.
9. One looked like a former neighbor.
8. All were carrying DNC cards.
7. When BO's staff identified them as "Pirates",
Barak Obama thought they were from Pittsburgh.
6. Two of the four were registered with "ACORN".
5. Didn't want to support the use of firearms for protection,
thus backing the stance of the 'NRA'.
4. Wanted positive confirmation that they were in fact,
not members of the Rainbow Coalition.
3. The Tele-prompter was broken and he had nothing to say.
2. No Photo-op existed.
and the Number # 1 reason.....
1. They may be Relatives
#####

HOW BANKERS ARE MADE

2009-04-27T21:42:00.000-07:00

Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought adonkey from a farmer for $100.00.The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died."
Chuck replied, "Well, then just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."Chuck said, "OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey."
The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"
Chuck said, "I'm going to raffle him off."
The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Chuck said, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Chuck said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $850." The farmer said, "Didn't anyone complain?
Chuck said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him fifty dollars."
After that Chuck went to work for Goldman Sachs.
#####

WHO KNEW??

2009-04-25T23:35:00.000-07:00

An elderly man suffered a massive heart attack.
The family drove wildly to get him to the emergency
room.
After what seemed like a very long wait, the ER Doctor
appeared, wearing his scrubs and a long face.
Sadly, he said, "I'm afraid he is brain-dead, but
his heart is still beating."
"Oh, Dear God," cried his wife, her hands clasped
against her cheeks with shock!
"We've never had a Democrat in the family before!"
#####

CROCODILE THOUGHTS

2009-04-25T23:32:00.000-07:00

two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said,
"I can't understand how You can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size As kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big Croc, "what have you been eating?"
"Politicians, same as you," replied the small Croc.
"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"
"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."
"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"
"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat 'em!"
"Ah!!!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase....."
#####

APOLOGIZE TO OUR SOUTHERN NEIGHBORS??

2009-04-21T18:51:00.000-07:00

And now we apologize to our southern neighbors as well?
Peter Heck - Guest Columnist - 4/14/2009 7:50:00 AM
As I was sitting in church waiting for the start of the service, my grandpa came walking towards me pointing his finger. No matter how old I get, and no matter how long he's been out of the U.S. Navy, that's still an intimidating sight. As he approached me, his voice quivered as he said, "We saved that continent twice...how dare my president apologize for this country's arrogance." My grandpa is right. Americans need not apologize to the world for their arrogance; rather, Americans should apologize to their forefathers for the arrogance of their president. Barack Obama's first foreign trip as President of the United States has confirmed the naiveté so many of us feared during the election cycle. But worse than that, it has also demonstrated that our president suffers from either a complete misunderstanding of our heritage and history, or an utter contempt for it. Neither is excusable. Garnering cheers from the French of ALL people,
President Obama declared, "In America, there is a failure to appreciate Europe's leading role in the world. Instead of celebrating your dynamic union and seeking to partner with you to meet common challenges, there have been times where America has shown arrogance and been dismissive, even derisive." Consider that Obama spoke these words just 500 miles from the beaches of Normandy, where the sand is still stained with 65-year-old blood of "arrogant Americans." Indeed, columnist Mark Whittington observes, "One should remind Mr. Obama and the Europeans how America has 'shown arrogance' by saving Europe from itself innumerable times in the 20th Century. World War I, World War II, the Cold War, and the wars in the Balkans were largely resolved by American blood, treasure, and leadership." But all that appears lost on the president's seemingly insatiable quest to mend fences he imagines have been tarnished by the bullish George W. Bush. If Obama wishes to continue trampling the presidential tradition of showing class to former office holders and publicly trash Bush for his own personal gain, so be it. But all Americans should make clear that no man – even if he is the president – will tarnish the legacy of those Americans who have gone before us. Ours is not a history of arrogance. It is a histor y of courage, self-sacrifice, and honor.When abusive monarchs repressed the masses, Americans resisted and overthrew them. When misguided policies led to the unjust oppression of fellow citizens, Americans rebelled and overturned them. When millions of impoverished and destitute wretches sought a new beginning, Americans threw open the door and welcomed them. When imperial dictators were on the march, Americans surrendered their lives to stop them. When communist thugs threatened world peace, Americans bled to defeat them. When an entire continent was overwhelmed with famine and hunger, Americans gave of themselves to sustain it. When terrorist madmen killed the innocent and subjugated millions, Americans led the fight to topple them.This is the legacy that generations of Americans have left. If President Obama seeks stronger relations with the world community, perhaps he should begin by reminding them of these very truths, rather than condemning his own countrymen on foreign shores.This "obsessive need to put down his own country," has caused blogger James Lewis to call President Obama a "stunningly IGNORANT man" who has evidently never spoken to a concentration camp survivor, a Cuban refugee, a boat person from Vietnam, a Soviet dissident, or a survivor of Mao's purges. Unfortunately, I can no longer bring myself to give Mr. Obama that benefit of the doubt. Not after looking at the pain in my grandpa's eyes... a man who still carries shrapnel in his body from his service to this country. As a student and teacher of history, I recognize that America has made mistakes... plenty of them, in fact. But one of the great things about our people has been their courage and humility in admitting and correcting those mistakes. God willing, they will prove that willingness again in four years and correct the mistake that is the presidency of Barack Obama.
#####

THE DEA OFFICER

2009-04-19T21:18:00.000-07:00

*A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Montana ,
and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher,
'I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'
*The old rancher says, 'Okay, but do not go in that field
over there' as he points out the location.*
*The DEA officer verbally explodes, saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government
with me!!' Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes
his badge and proudly displays it to the farmer.*
*'See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go
wherever I wish...on any land. No questions asked or
answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you
understand?'*
*The old rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes
about his chores.*
*A short time later, the old rancher hears loud
screams and sees the DEA officer running for his
life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer,
and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before
he reaches safety.*
The officer is clearly terrified. The old rancher throws
down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top
of his lungs.....
'Your HIM your badge! Show him your badge, smartass!!'
#####

DEMOCRAT, REPUBLICAN, OR A REDNECK??

2009-04-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

Here is a little test that will help you decide.
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock 40 cal., and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

DEMOCRAT'S ANSWER:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1 ? Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing!
I need to discuss with some friends over a latte and try to come to a consensus.

REPUBLICAN'S ANSWER:
BANG!

REDNECK'S ANSWER:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click.... (sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
click....
Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
or Hollow Points?'
Son: 'You got him, Pop! Can I shoot the next one?'
Wife: 'You are not taking that to the taxidermist!'

THE PIED PIPER

2009-04-15T23:45:00.000-07:00

There was a Pied Piper who said
We live in the greatest country in the world. Help me change it!
And the people said, Change is good!
Then he said, We are going to tax the rich fat-cats,
*And the people said, "Sock it to them!" and redistribute
their wealth.
*And the people said, "Show me the money!"
And then he said, Redistribution of wealth is good for
everybody!
* And Joe the plumber said, "Are you kidding me?"
And Joe's personal records were hacked and publicized.
*And one lone reporter asked, "Isn't that Marxist policy?"
.…And she was banished from the kingdom!
Then someone asked, "With no foreign relations
experience, how will you deal with radical terrorists?"
And the Pied Piper said, Simple. I’ll sit down and talk
with them andshow them how nice we really are and
they will forget that they ever wanted to kill us all!
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll give 95% of you lower taxes.
*And one, lone voice said, "But 40% of us don't pay ANY
taxes!"
So the Pied Piper said, Then I'll give you some of the
taxes the fat-cats pay!
*And the people said, "Show me the money!"
Then the Pied Piper said, I'll tax your Capital Gains
when you sell your homes!
*And the people yawned and the slumping housing
market collapsed.
And he said, I'll mandate employer-funded health
care for EVERY worker and raise the minimum wage.
*And the people said, "Gimme some of that!"
Then he said, I'll penalize employers who ship jobs
overseas.
*And the people said, "Where's my rebate check?"
Then the Pied Piper actually said, I'll bankrupt the
coal industry and electricity rates will skyrocket!
*And the people said, "Coal is dirty, coal is evil,
no more coal! But we don't care for that part about
higher electric rates."
So the Pied Piper said, Not to worry. If your rebate isn't
enough to cover your expenses, we'll bail you out.
Just sign up with ACORN and your troubles are over!
Then he said, illegal immigrants feel scorned and slighted.
Let's grant them amnesty, Social Security, free education,
free lunches, free medical care, bi-lingual signs and
guaranteed housing
*And the people said, "Ole`! Bravo!" And they made him King!
And so it came to pass that employers, facing spiraling
costs and ever-higher taxes, raised their prices and laid
off workers. Others simply gave up and went out of
business and the economy slowed even further.
Then the Pied Piper said, I am the Messiah and I'm
here to save you!
We'll just print more money so everyone will have enough!
But our foreign trading partners said, "Wait a minute.
Your dollar isn't worth what it was. You'll have to pay more."
*And the people said, "Wait a minute. That's not fair!"
And the world said, "Neither are those other, idiotic programs
you've embraced. You've become a Socialist state and a
second-rate power. Now you'll play by our rules!"
*And the people said,
"What have we done?" But it was too late.....

If you think this is a fairy tale, open your eyes
and ears. It's happening RIGHT NOW!!!
#####

NEW TAX RULES

2009-04-13T16:52:00.000-07:00

Subject: IRS Tax Due Date 2009

Not sure if this is true, but Snopes does not
list it as false.
Might want to check it out with the IRS and
your Senators.
Income taxes are normally due on April 15
unless that date falls on a Saturday or Sunday,
in which case they are due on Monday the 16th or 17th....

However, that rule has recently been changed.
For this year and for the next 3 years, tax payments
are not due until you are nominated to a Cabinet
position in the Obama administration!!
#####

SOUNDS LIKE A GOVERNMENT PROGRAM

2009-04-13T16:41:00.000-07:00

The story below is currently making the email rounds and appears on dozens of Web sites. As of now, it's impossible to determine whether or not it's factual or simply an April Fools' Day joke. (It is rather suspicious that the article is undated and shows no originating news source.) IF the story is in fact true, it's proof again, not that it's needed, than total morons walk among us.

In Stuttgart, Germany, a court judge must decide on a case of honorable intentions in a situation where a man hired his neighbor to get his wife pregnant.It seems that Demetrius Soupolos, 29, and his former beauty queen wife, Traute, wanted a child badly, but Demetrius was told by a doctor that he was sterile.So, Soupolos, after calming his wife’s protests, hired his neighbor, Frank Maus, 34, to impregnate her. Since Maus was already married and the father of two children, plus looked very much like Soupolos to boot, the plan seemed good.Soupolos paid Maus $2,500 for the job and for three evenings a week for the next six months, Maus tried desperately, a total of 72 different times, to impregnate Traute.When his own wife objected, he explained, "I don’t like this any more than you. I’m simply doing it for the money. Try and understand."When Traute failed to get pregnant after six months, however, Soupolos was not understanding and insisted that Maus have a medical examination, which he did.The doctor’s announcement that Maus was also sterile shocked everyone except his wife, who was forced to confess that Maus was not the real father of their two children.Now Soupolos is suing Maus for breach of contract in an effort to get his money back, but Maus refuses to give it up because he said he did not guarantee conception, but only that he would give an honest effort.

TEACHING MATH

2009-04-13T16:11:00.001-07:00

Fifty-twoYears of Math 1957 - 2009

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $ 2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register.

I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters , but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80.
Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok. )

6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
#####

THEY WANTED "CHANGE"

2009-04-13T15:40:00.000-07:00

As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself
to the fact that Barrack Obama is our President and
that our taxes and government fees will increase in a
BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, our prices would have
to increase by about 10%. But since we cannot increase
our prices right now due to the dismal state of the economy,
we will have to lay off six of our employees instead.
This has really been bothering me, since I believe we are
family here and I didn't know how to choose who would
have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking
lot and found six Obama bumper stickers on our
Employees' cars and have decided these folks will be
the ones to let go. I can't think of a more fair way to
approach this problem. They voted for change;
I gave it to them.
I will see the rest of you at the annual company picnic.
#####

CONSTIPATION CURE

2009-04-09T01:23:00.000-07:00

Dr. Jack’s Cure For Constipation

If you are bothered by occasional or frequent
constipation, look in the mirror and repeat the
following phrase three times in succession when
symptoms occur:

"My financial and personal well being are totally
in the hands of Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Harry Reid,
Nancy Pelosi, Tim Geithner, Rahm Emanuel, Barney Frank,
Chris Dodd, and Al Gore."
If that doesn't scare the shit out of you, then you are
probably destined to be backed up for the rest of your life.
There is no need to thank me for this advice.
I'm just doing a public service.
#####

SEXUAL HABITS

2009-04-09T01:03:00.000-07:00

SEXUAL ADVICE XX

A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed
a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure
that it was such a good idea.
'Do you enjoy it?' The doctor asked.
'Actually, yes, I do.'
'Does it hurt you?' he asked.
'No. I rather like it. '
'Well, then,' the doctor continued, 'there's no
reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex, if
that's what you like, so long as you take care not
to get pregnant.'
The woman was mystified.
'What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?'
'Of course, ' the doctor replied.
'Where Do you think politicians come from??'
#####

REDNECK WORD OF THE DAY

2009-04-09T00:57:00.000-07:00

Redneck word of the day: "OBAMA"

"I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND
DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!!"

MISS THIS GUY??

2009-03-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

'Here's my strategy on the Cold War: We win, they lose.'- Ronald Reagan
'The most terrifying words in the English language are:
I'm from the government and I'm here to help.' - Ronald Reagan
'The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant;
it's just that they know so much that isn't so.' - Ronald Reagan'
Of the four wars in my lifetime, none came about because the
U.S. was too strong.'- Ronald Reagan
'I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandments
would have looked like if Moses had run them through
the U.S. Congress.' - Ronald Reagan
'The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government
but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.' - Ronald Reagan
#####

ECONOMIC NOTICE

2009-03-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

Due to recent budget cuts and the cost of
electricity, gas, and oil -- as well as current
market conditions and the continued decline
of the U.S. economy --
The "Light at the End of the Tunnel" has been
turned off.
We apologize for any inconvenience.

#####

NEW STOCK MARKET TERMS

2009-03-12T01:02:00.000-07:00

New Stock Market Terms
CEO – Chief Embezzlement Officer
CFO - Corporate Fraud Office
BULL MARKET – A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius
BEAR MARKET – a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING – The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO – The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER – What my financial planner has made me.
STANDARD & POOR – Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST – Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT – When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
MARKET CORRECTION – The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW – The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. YAHOO – What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share. WINDOWS – What you jump out of when you're the s ucker who bought Yahoo at $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR – Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT – an archaic word no longer in use.# # # # #
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.
But---- if you had purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00. Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily
& recycle. It's called the 401-Keg!!!
=================

SERIOUS FINANCIAL SITUATION

2009-03-09T00:40:00.000-07:00

THIS IS WORSE THAN A DIVORCE!!

I LOST HALF MY MONEY AND STILL
HAVE MY WIFE....

POLITICAL PHILOSOPHY

2009-03-05T23:40:00.001-08:00

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion
that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a congress.
-- John Adams

2. If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed,
if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
-- Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a
member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.
-- Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself
into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket
and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
-- Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can
always depend on the support of Paul.
-- George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt
to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to
pay off with YOUR money!!
--G. Gordon Liddy
#####

A GREAT WRITER

2009-03-05T00:28:00.000-08:00

There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed a desire to become a "great" writer.

When asked to define "great" he said
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will
read, stuff that people will react to on a truly
emotional level, stuff that will make them scream,
cry, wail, howl in pain, desperation, and anger!!"

He now works for Microsoft writing non-sensical
error messages.....

#####

2009-03-05T00:27:00.001-08:00

PROOF

2009-03-03T01:03:00.000-08:00

Today's Quote:

"Americans grew tired of being thought
to be dumb by the rest of the world,
so they went to the polls and removed all
doubt!!"
(in 2000, 2004, 2008....)

LINCOLN / OBAMA

2009-03-03T00:57:00.000-08:00

It is amazing how much they have in common.....

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible.

2. Lincoln came from Illinois . Obama comes from Illinois .

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States . Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
#####

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE A CHRISTIAN

2009-02-18T23:16:00.001-08:00

10 - You vigorously deny the existence of thousands of gods claimed by other religions, but feel outraged when someone denies the existence of yours.
9 - You feel insulted and "dehumanized" when scientists say that people evolved from other life forms, but you have no problem with the Biblical claim that we were created from dirt.
8 - You laugh at polytheists, but you have no problem believing in a Triune God.
7 - Your face turns purple when you hear of the "atrocities" attributed to Allah, but you don't even flinch when hearing about how God/Jehovah slaughtered all the babies of Egypt in "Exodus" and ordered the elimination of entire ethnic groups in "Joshua" including women, children, and trees!
6 - You laugh at Hindu beliefs that deify humans, and Greek claims about gods sleeping with women, but you have no problem believing that the Holy Spirit impregnated Mary, who then gave birth to a man-god who got killed, came back to life and then ascended into the sky.
5 - You are willing to spend your life looking for little loopholes in the scientifically established age of Earth (few billion years), but you find nothing wrong with believing dates recorded by Bronze Age tribesmen sitting in their tents and guessing that Earth is a few generations old.
4 - You believe that the entire population of this planet with the exception of those who share your beliefs -- though excluding those in all rival sects - will spend Eternity in an infinite Hell of Suffering. And yet consider your religion the most "tolerant" and "loving."
3 - While modern science, history, geology, biology, and physics have failed to convince you otherwise, some idiot rolling around on the floor speaking in "tongues" may be all the evidence you need to "prove" Christianity.
2 - You define 0.01% as a "high success rate" when it comes to answered prayers. You consider that to be evidence that prayer works. And you think that the remaining 99.99% FAILURE was simply the will of God.
1 - You actually know a lot less than many atheists and agnostics do about the Bible, Christianity, and church history - but still call yourself a Christian.....
#####

WONDERFUL RADIO

2009-02-14T00:24:00.000-08:00

I bought a new GMC Sierra and returned to the dealer
yesterday because I couldn't get the radio to work.

The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

'Nelson,' the salesman said to the radio.
The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
came from the speakers.

Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time
I'd say, 'Beethoven,' I'd get beautiful classical music,
and if I said, 'Beatles,' I'd get one of
their awesome songs.

Yesterday, some guy ran a red light and
nearly creamed my new truck, but
I swerved in time to avoid them.

I yelled, 'A** Holes!'

Immediately the Iranian National Anthem began to play,
sung by Jane Fonda and Barbara Streisand, backed up by
Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry
on guitar, Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica,
Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons,
Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy On Scotch.

Damn, I LOVE this truck!!

2009-02-12T23:28:00.001-08:00

Katie Couric, Charlie Gibson, Brian Williams and a tough old U.S. Marine Sergeant were captured by terrorists inIraq. The leader of the terrorists told them he'd grant each of them one last request before they were beheaded and dragged naked through the streets.Katie Couric said, 'Well, I'm a Southerner, so,I'd like one last plate of fried chicken.' The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chicken. Couric ate it all and said, 'Now I can die content.'Charlie Gibson said, 'I'm living in'New York , so I'd like to hear the song 'The Moon and Me onelast time.' The terrorist's leader nodded to another terrorist who had studied the Western world and knew the music. He returned with some rag-tag musicians and played the song. Gibson was satisfied.Brian Williams said, 'I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe, someday, someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.' The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Williams dictated his comments. He then said, 'Now I can die happy.'The leader turned and said, 'And now, Mr.US Marine, what is your final wish?''Kick me in the ass,' said the Marine.'What?' asked the leader, 'Will you mock us in your last hour?''No, I'm NOT kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,'insisted the Marine.So the leader shoved him into the yard and kicked him in the ass.The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a9 mm pistol from inside his cammies and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he emptied his sidearm on six terrorists, with his knife he slashed the throat of one with an AK-47, which he took, and sprayed the rest of the terrorists killing another 11!In a flash, all of them were either dead or fleeing for their lives.As the Marine was untying Couric, Gibson and Williams, they asked him, 'Why didn't you just shoot them all in the first place? Why did you ask him to kick you in the ass?''What!?!' replied the Marine, 'and have you three ass holes report that I was the aggressor....?

THE HOME SCHOOLING CONUMDRUM

2009-02-12T23:22:00.000-08:00

a guy was telling his buddy that he just found
out disturbing news...
his young son was having "inappropriate relations"
with his teacher.
hearing that, the buddy kinda snickered n' lauhged
it off....saying thats the dream of all school boys.
to which the father replied......
'yeah, but my son is home-schooled!!'

THE NEW PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

2009-02-10T00:15:00.001-08:00

Dear Fellow Constituent:
The George W. Bush Presidential Library is now accepting donations. The Library will include:
1. The Hurricane Katrina Room, which is still under construction.
2. The Alberto Gonzales Room, where you won't be able to remember anything.
3. The Texas Air National Guard Room, where you don't even have to show up.
4. The Walter Reed Hospital Room, where they don't let you in.
5. The Guantanamo Bay Room, where they don't let you out.
6. The Weapons of Mass Destruction Room, which no one has been able to find.
7. The National Debt Room, which is huge and has no ceiling.
8. The Tax Cut Room, with entry only to the wealthy.
9. The Economy Room, which is in the toilet.
10. The Iraq War Room. (After you complete your first visit, they make you go back for a second, third, fourth, and sometimes fifth visit.)
11. The Dick Cheney Room, in the famous undisclosed location, complete with shooting gallery.
12. The Environmental Conservation Room, still empty.
13. The Supreme Gift Shop, where you can buy an election.
14. The Airport Men's Room, where you can meet some of your favorite Republican Senators.
15. The Decider Room, complete with dart board, magic 8-ball, Ouija board, dice, coins, and straws.
Note: The library will feature an electron microscope to help you locate and view the President's accomplishments.
The library will also include many famous quotes by George Walker Bush:
1. 'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
2. 'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
3. 'Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.'
4. 'No senior citizen should ever have to choose between prescription drugs and medicine.'
5. 'I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change.'
6. 'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.
7. 'Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.'
8. 'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
9. 'The future will be better tomorrow.'
10. 'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world..'
11. 'One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures.' (during an education photo-op)
12. 'Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it.'
13. 'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
14. 'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
15. 'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
... George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson
PLEASE GIVE GENEROUSLY!
#####

NOWEGIAN MATH TEST

2009-02-08T00:49:00.000-08:00

Norwegian Math Test A Norwegian fella wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.' 'Without numbers?' The Norwegian says, 'Dat's easy.' and proceeds to draw three trees.

'What's this?' the boss asks. 'Vot! you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine,' says the Norwegian. 'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.' The Norwegian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. 'Dar ya go.'

The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?' 'Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99.' The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Norwegian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.' The Norwegian fella stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Dar ya go. Von hundred.'

The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!' The Norwegian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little dog come along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, vich makes von hundred.' 'So, ven do I start?

JOB INTERVIEW

2009-02-08T00:38:00.000-08:00

A man seeking to join a south Texas Sheriff's
Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says:
“Your qualifications all look good, but there
is an attitude suitability test that you must
take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk,
he says:
“Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal
aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit??”
“Great attitude,” says the Sergeant.
“When can you start?”
#####

BANK STORY

2009-02-06T01:14:00.000-08:00

LETTER TO MY BANK
Dear Sirs,
In view of what seems to be happening
internationally with banks at the moment,
I was wondering if you could advise me.
If one of my checks is returned marked
"insufficient funds," how do I know whether
that refers to me or to you??
#####

THE STIMULUS PROGRAM

2009-02-06T01:01:00.000-08:00

Stimulus Payment Information
"This year, taxpayers will receive an
Economic Stimulus Payment.
This is a very exciting new program that I will
explain using the Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus Payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China .
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to the Arabs.
If you purchase a computer it will go to India .
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico , Honduras , and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan .
If you purchase useless crap it will go to Taiwan.
And, none of it will help the American economy.
We need to keep that money here in America .
You can keep the money in America by spending it at
yard sales, going to a baseball game, or spend it on
prostitutes, beer and wine (domestic ONLY), or tattoos,
since those are the only businesses still in the US .
#####

INAUGURAL ICE CREAM

2009-02-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

This one is politically INcorrect . . .
So I knew you would like it!

Baskin Robbins is introducing a new ice cream
in honor of the inauguration -- "Barocky Road".
It's half vanilla, half chocolate, surrounded by
fruits and nuts!
#####

DIFFERENCES EXPLAINED

2009-01-31T00:51:00.000-08:00

Ham and eggs....
All in a day's work for a chicken--
a lifetime commitment for the pig.

SCHOOL LESSONS

2009-01-27T00:04:00.000-08:00

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian
student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered
the fourth grade.
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give
me Death'?"
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar,
who had his handup: 'Patrick Henry, 1775' he said.
'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the
People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'
Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar.
'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar.
The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be
ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country,
knows more about our history than you do.'
She heard a loud whisper: 'F*ck the Indians!'
'Who said that?' she demanded.
Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.'
At that point, a student in the back said, 'I'm gonna puke.'
The teacher glares around and asks 'All right! Now, who
said that?'
Again, Chandrasekhar says, 'George Bush to the
Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.'
Now furious, another student yells, 'Oh yeah? Suck this!'
Chandrasekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand
and shouts to the teacher, 'Bill Clinton, to Monica
Lewinsky, 1997!'
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said
'You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!
'Chandrasekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice,
'MichaelJackson to the child witnesses testifying against
him- 2004.'
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around
the teacher on the floor, someone said,
'Oh shit, we're screwed!'
And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think THAT
was the American people, November 4, 2008!!"
#####

DETECTING MENTAL ILLNESS

2009-01-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an
academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened
to appear. Ms. Pelosi took the opportunity to
schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked,
'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody
who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple
question which anyone should answer with no
trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you
on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.

Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook’ made three
trips around the world and died during one of
them. Which one?

Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a
nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have
another example would you? I must confess I
don't know much about history....'
#####

TWO QUOTES

2009-01-25T21:33:00.000-08:00

'My friends, we live in the greatest nation
in the history of the world.
I hope you'll join with me as we try to
change it.'
-- Barack Obama

''Life's tough......it's even tougher if
you're stupid.''
-- John Wayne
#####

SENIOR NOTES

2009-01-17T18:31:00.000-08:00

"WHERE is my SUNDAY paper?!"
The irate customer calling the newspaper
office loudly demanded, wanting to know where
her Sunday edition was.
"Madam", said the newspaper employee,
"today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not
delivered until tomorrow, on SUNDAY".
There was quite a long pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition as
she was heard to mutter,
"Well, shit... so that's why no one was at church today!!"
#####

A FABLE -- FORD VS. TOYOTA

2009-01-14T23:59:00.000-08:00

A Modern Parable.
A Japanese company ( Toyota ) and an American company (Ford Motors) decided to have a canoe race on the Missouri River. Both teams practiced long and hard to reach their peak performance before the race.On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.The Americans, very discouraged and depressed, decided to investigate the reason for the crushing defeat. A management team made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action.Their conclusion was the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the American team had 7 people steering and 2 people rowing.Feeling a deeper study was in order; American management hired a consulting company and paid them a large amount of money for a second opinion.They advised, of course, that too many people were steering the boat, while not enough people were rowing.Not sure of how to utilize that information, but wanting to prevent another loss to the Japanese, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 2 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager.They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 2 people rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the 'Rowing Team Quality First Program,' with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rowers. There was discussion of getting new paddles, canoes and other equipment, extra vacation days for practices and bonuses. The pension program was trimmed to 'equal the competition' and some of the resultant savings were channeled into morale boosting programs and teamwork posters.The next year the Japanese won by two miles.Humiliated, the American management laid-off one rower, halted development of a new canoe, sold all the paddles, and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. The money saved was distributed to the Senior Executives as bonuses.The next year, try as he might, the lone designated rower was unable to even finish the race (having no paddles,) so he was laid off for unacceptable performance, all canoe equipment was sold and the next year's racing team was out-sourced to India.
Sadly, the End.

Here's something else to think about: Ford has spent the last thirty years moving all its factories out of the US, claiming they can't make money paying American wages. TOYOTA has spent the last thirty years building more than a dozen plants inside the US.
The last quarter's results: TOYOTA makes 4 billion in profits while Ford racked up 9 billion in losses.
Ford folks are still scratching their heads, AND collecting bonuses...IF THIS WEREN'T SO TRUE IT MIGHT BE FUNNY!
#####

NEW WALL STREET TERMS

2009-01-05T21:39:00.000-08:00

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
#####

UPDATED JOKE DEPT.

2009-01-05T21:19:00.000-08:00

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack Obama all die and go to heaven.God looks down from his throne and asks McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”McCain takes a breath and then replies, “Well, I think so because I was a great leader and tried to follow the words in your great book.”God looks down and then says, “You can sit to my left side.”So, McCain takes his seat and then God asks the same question to Hillary, “Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?” Hillary thinks for a second and then replies, “I think so because I have been fighting for the rights of so many people for so long.”God again looks down and this time says, “You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and asks,
“Do you think you deserve to be in heaven?”
Obama smiled and replied, “I think you’re in my seat....”

IS THIS A GREAT COUNTRY OR WHAT??

2009-01-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

Spread the Stupidity

Only in America .....do drugstores make the sick
walk all the way to the back of the store to get
their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes right at the front.

Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large > fries, and a diet coke. > > > > > Only in America .....do banks leave both doors open and then > chain the pens to the counters. > > > > >

Only in America .....do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars > in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. > > > > >

Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and > buns in packages of eight. > > > > > >

Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with > Braille lettering. > > > > >

EVER WONDER ...> >
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens> our skin? > > > > >
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed? > > > > >
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'? > > > > > Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word? > > > > > Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'? > > > > > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing > liquid made with real lemons? > > > > > Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? > > > > > Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush > hour? > > > > > Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? > > > > > Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? > > > > > Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections? > > > > > You know that indestructible black box that is used on > airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that > stuff?! > > > > > Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? > > > > > > Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? > > > > > If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of > progress? > > > > > If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the > terminal? > > > > > > Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread > the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile > to (maybe even a chuckle)...in other words, send it to everyone. > We all need to smile every once in a while. > >

BRAZILIANS

2008-12-28T22:08:00.001-08:00

The Secretary of Defense briefed the president
this morning. He told Bush that three brazillian
soliders had been killed in iraq.
to everyone's amazement, all the color ran from
Bush's face, visibly shaken.
finally he composed himself and asked:
"just exactly how many IS a bazillion??"
#####

THE 545 PEOPLE

2008-12-24T22:55:00.001-08:00

Politicians are the only people in the world who create
problems and then campaign against them.
Have you ever wondered why, if both the Democrats
and the Republicans are against deficits, we HAVE deficits?

Have you ever wondered why, if all the politicians are
against inflation and high taxes, we HAVE inflation and
high taxes?
You and I don't propose a federal budget. The president does.
You and I don't have the Constitutional authority to vote
on appropriations. The House of Representatives does....

You and I don't write the tax code, Congress does.
You and I don't set fiscal policy, Congress does.
You and I don't control monetary policy, the Federal
Reserve Bank does.

One hundred senators, 435 congressmen, one president,
and nine Supreme Court justices 545 human beings out
of the 300 million are DIRECTLY, legally, morally, and
individually responsible for the domestic problems that
plague this country. I excluded the members of the
Federal Reserve Board because that problem was created
by the Congres!!
In 1913, Congress delegated its Constitutional duty to
provide a SOUND currency to a federally chartered,
BUT PRIVATE, central bank.
I excluded all the special interests and lobbyists for a
sound reason. They have no legal authority. They have
no ability to coerce a senator, a congressman, or a
president to do one cotton-picking thing.
I don't care if they offer a politician $1 million dollars
in cash. The politician has the power to accept or reject it.
No matter what the lobbyist promises, it is the legislator's
responsibility to determine how he votes. T

hose 545 human beings spend much of their energy
convincing you that what THEY did is not THEIR fault!!
They cooperate in this common con regardless of party.
What separates a politician from a normal human being
is an excessive amount of gall. No normal human being
would have the gall of a Speaker, who stood up and
criticized the President for creating deficits!!
The president can ONLY propose a budget. He cannot
force the Congress to accept it.
The Constitution, which is the supreme law of the land,
gives SOLE responsibility to the House of Representatives
for originating and approving appropriations and taxes.
Who is the speaker of the House? She is the leader of the
MAJORITY party!!
She and fellow House members, NOT the president,
can approve any budget they want. If the president
vetoes it, they CAN pass it over his veto if they agree
to.
It seems inconceivable to me that a nation of 300
million can not replace 545 people who stand
convicted -- by present facts -- of incompetence and
irresponsibility. I can't think of a single domestic
problem that is NOT traceable directly to those
545 people.
When you fully grasp the plain truth that 545 people
exercise the power of the federal government, then it
must follow that what exists is what they WANT to exist.
If the tax code is unfair, it's because they want it unfair.
If the budget is in the red, it's because they want it in the red.
If the Marines are in IRAQ , it's because they want them
in IRAQ.
If THEY do not receive social security but are on an
elite retirement plan NOT available to "the people",
it's because they WANT it that way.
There are no insoluble government problems.
Do not let these 545 people shift the blame to bureaucrats,
whom they hire and whose jobs they can abolish;
to lobbyists, whose gifts(!!) and advice they can reject;
to regulators, to whom they give the power to regulate
and from whom they can take this power.
Above all, do not let them con you into the belief that
there exists disembodied mystical forces like
'the economy,' 'inflation,' or 'politics' that prevent them
from doing what they TAKE AN OATH to do.
Those 545 people, and they ALONE, are responsible.
They, and they ALONE, have the power.
They, and they ALONE, should be held accountable
by the people who are their bosses provided the voters
have the gumption to manage their own employees.
We should VOTE all of them OUT OF OFFICE and
clean up their mess!!
Charlie Reese is a former columnist of the
Orlando Sentinel Newspaper.
What you do with this article now that you have
read it is up to you, though you appear to have
several choices.
1. You can send this to everyone in your address
book, and hope they do something about it.
2. You can agree to vote against everyone that is
currently in office, knowing that the process will
take several years.
3. You can decide to run for office yourself and
agree to do the job properly.
4. Lastly, you can sit back and do nothing, or
re-elect the current "gang".
NEVER VOTE FOR AN INCUMBANT!!!!!!!!!
#####

TO MY BANK

2008-12-24T22:21:00.000-08:00

Dear Sirs:In view of what seems to be happening
with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you
could advise me.
One of my checks was just returned marked
"Insufficient Funds".
How do I know whether that refers to me or
to YOU?
Best regards,
Chris

STARTING THE DAY WITH A POSITIVE OUTLOOK

2008-12-21T18:56:00.000-08:00

HOW TO START EACH DAY WITH A POSITIVE
OUTLOOK

1. Open a new file in your Computer.
2. Name it 'Barack Obama'.
3. Send it to the Recycle Bin.
4. Empty the Recycle Bin.
5. Your PC will ask you:
'Do you really want to get rid of 'Barack Obama?'
6. Firmly Click 'Yes.'
7. Feel better? GOOD! -- Tomorrow we'll do
Nancy Pelosi and then Harry Reid!

THOUGHTS ON COLORS

2008-12-21T18:48:00.000-08:00

When I was born, I was BLACK , When I grew up, I was BLACK , When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK, When I got cold, I was BLACK , When I was scared, I was BLACK , When I was sick, I was BLACK , And when I die, I'll still be BLACK .

NOW, You 'white' folks.... When you're born, you're PINK, When you grow-up, you're WHITE , When you go in the sun, you get RED, When you're cold, you turn BLUE, When you're scared, you're YELLOW, When you get sick, you're GREEN, When you bruise, you turn PURPLE , And when you die, you look GRAY.
So who y'all callin' COLORED folks??

BUSINESS SOLUTIONS

2008-12-13T21:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Fellow Business Owners As a Business owner who employs 30 people, I have resigned myself to the fact that Barack Obama, will be our next President, and that my Taxes and Fees, will go up in a BIG way.
To compensate for these increases, I figure, that the Customer, will have to see an increase in my fees to them of about, 8%. I will also have to lay off 6 of my employees. This really bothered me as I believe we are family here and didn't know how to choose who will have to go.
So, this is what I did. I strolled through the parking lot and found 8 Obama bumper stickers on my employees' cars. I have decided these folks will be the first to be laid off.
I can't think of another fair way to approach this problem. If you have a better idea, let me know.

I am sending this letter to all Business owners that I know.

Sincerely, A Local Businessman

POLITICS -- GOTTA LOVE IT

2008-11-28T01:02:00.000-08:00

Does anybody out there have any memory of the reason given
for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during

the Carter Administration? Anybody? Anything? No?

Didn't think so.

Bottom line . . we've spent several hundred billion

dollars in support of an agency the reason for which not

one person who reads this can remember.

Ready? It was very simple, and at the time everybody

thought it very appropriate.

The Department of Energy was instituted 8-04-1977 TO

LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL. HEY, PRETTY EFFICIENT, HUH?

AND NOW IT'S 2008, 31 YEARS LATER, AND THE BUDGET FOR

THIS NECESSARY DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR, THEY HAVE 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES, AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES AND LOOK AT THE JOB THEY HAVE DONE!

THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY 'WHAT WAS

I THINKING?'

Ah yes, good ole beauocracy. And now we are going to turn

the Banking system over to them? God Help us.

2008-11-27T11:58:00.000-08:00

Free Counter

2008-11-07T22:57:00.000-08:00

And you think lawyers don't have hearts.
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community through the United Way?'
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, 'Uh... no, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?'
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.'
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?

THE VOTES SPEAK!!

2008-11-07T22:47:00.000-08:00

oh myyyy......

http://www.bpmdeejays.com/upload/hs_sal_in_Harlem_100108.mp3

A SUNNY DAY IN 2009

2008-11-07T21:49:00.000-08:00

One sunny day in 2009 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue , where he'd been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said,
'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine looked at the man and said,
'Sir, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The old man said, 'Okay' and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine,
'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine again told the man, 'Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Bush is no longer president and no longer resides here.'
The man thanked him and, again, just walked away. The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U. S. Marine, saying, 'I would like to go in and meet with President Bush.'
The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, 'Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Bush. I've told you already that Mr. Bush is no longer the president and no longer resides here. Don't you understand?'
The old man looked at the Marine and said, 'Oh, I understand -- I just love hearing you say it.'
The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said,
'See you tomorrow, Sir!!'
#####

'FRISCO COPS

2008-11-02T21:19:00.000-08:00

1. Chief Heather Fong (left), the first
SFPD female chief of police;

2. Theresa Sparks (center, former male),
president of the San Francisco Police
Commission, CEO of a multimillion-dollar
sex toy retailer, and a transgender woman.

3. Sgt. Stephan Thorne (right, former female),
the first transgender SFPD police officer.
#####

'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE ELECTIONS

2008-11-02T20:53:00.000-08:00

‘Twas the night before elections
and all through the town
Tempers were flaring,
emotions all up and down!

I, in my bathrobe,
with a cat in my lap
Had cut off the TV,
tired of political crap!

When all of a sudden there
arose such a noise
I peered out of my window,
saw Obama and his boys!

They had come for my wallet,
they wanted my pay,
to give to the others who had
not worked a day!

He snatched up my money
and quick as a wink
Jumped back on his bandwagon
as I gagged from the stink!

He then rallied his henchmen
who were pulling his cart,
I could tell they were out to
tear my country apart!

‘On Fannie, on Freddie,
On Biden and Ayers!
On Acorn, On Pelosi’
He screamed at the pairs!

They took off for his cause
and as he flew out of sight,
I heard him laugh at the nation
who wouldn’t stand up and fight!

So I leave you to think on
this one final note--
IF YOU DON’T WANT SOCIALISM --
GET OUT AND VOTE!!!!
####

A NOTE FROM THE YEAR 55 B.C.

2008-11-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

"The budget should be balanced, the
Treasury should be refilled, public
debt should be reduced, the arrogance
of officialdom should be tempered
and controlled, and the assistance to
foreign lands should be curtailed
lest Rome become bankrupt."
- Marcus Tullius Cicero, 55 BC
#####

GOV. PALIN'S QUALIFICATIONS

2008-10-29T22:42:00.000-07:00

Question: What is America's first line
of missile interceptor defense that protects
the entire United States?
Answer: 49th Missile Defense Battalion of
Alaska National Guard.

Question: What is the ONLY National Guard
unit on permanent active duty?
Answer: 49th Missile Defense Battalion of
Alaska National Guard

Question: Who is the Commander in Chief of
the 49th MissileDefense Battalion of Alaska
National Guard?
Answer: Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska

Question: What U.S. governor is routinely
briefed on highly classified military issues,
homeland security, and counter terrorism?
Answer: Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska

Question: What U.S. governor has a higher
classified security rating than either candidate
of the Democrat Party?
Answer: Governor Sarah Palin, Alaska.
According to the Washington Post, she first
met with McCain in February, but nobody
ever found out. This is a woman used to
keeping secrets. She can be entrusted with
our national security, because she already is.
Now you know too, please, pass it on!?
Commander....49th Missile Defense Battalion
of Alaska National Guard.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alaska_Army_National_Guard
#####

TEXAS BUMPER STICKER

2008-10-27T23:33:00.000-07:00

TEXAS bumper sticker -- where else? LOL

I'll keep my freedom, my guns, and
my money --
YOU can keep "THE CHANGE"!!
Vote for McCain/Palin

JOHN AND SARAH -- the video

2008-10-27T23:10:00.000-07:00

The John and Sarah Video

THIS IS too funny!!!!
my friend is one of the dancers in it.
and he reports... it actually got played
on CNN of all places!! lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBZej5qSIwU

#####

THE UPDATED VERSION

2008-10-24T17:54:00.001-07:00

TOO FUNNY....enjoy!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GydaSdetbe8&eurl=

POLITICS AND PIANOS

2008-10-24T17:33:00.000-07:00

"My choice early in life was either to be a
piano player in a whorehouse or a politician.
And to tell the truth, there's hardly any
difference.
I, for one, believe the piano player job to be
much more honorable than current politicians."
--Harry Truman

RE-DISTRIBUTING THE WEALTH

2008-10-24T17:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday on my way to lunch, I passed
one of the homeless guys in that area, with
a sign that read "Vote Obama, I need the money."
Once inside I noticed my waiter had on an
"Obama '08" tee shirt also. When the bill came,
I decided not to tip the waiter and explained
to him while he had given me exceptional
service, that his tee shirt made me feel he
obviously believes in Senator Obama's plan
to redistribute the wealth.
I told him I was going to redistribute his tip
to someone that I deemed more in need--the
homeless guy outside. He stood there in
disbelief and angrily stormed away. I went
outside, gave the homeless guy $3 and told
him to thank the waiter inside, as I had
decided he could use the money more.
The homeless guy looked at me in disbelief
but was genuinely grateful. As I got in my
truck, I realized this rather unscientific
redistribution experiment had left the
homeless guy quite happy for the money
he did not earn -- but the waiter was pretty
angry that I gave away the money he DID
earn.
Well, I guess this redistribution of wealth
is going to take a while to catch on with
those doing the work, eh? :-)
#####

IS THIS REALLY HIM??

2008-10-23T21:13:00.001-07:00

RUT ROH.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NmRXH7RkCZQ&NR=1

DO YOU WANT THIS???

2008-10-23T20:15:00.000-07:00

Do we want a Vice President like THIS?

21 reasons why Gov. Sarah Palin Should
NOT be Vice-President of the United States:

1) She is a Woman.
2) She does not believe in killing babies,
born or unborn.
3) She is NOT endorsed by Susan Sarandon,
Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Hillary Clinton,
Nancy Pelosi, Geraldine Ferraro, Barbara
Walters, Helen Thomas, Ellen Degeneres,
Ted Kennedy, Keith Olberman, Chris Matthews,
Barbra Streisand OR David Letterman.
(The Horror!! The Horror!!)
4) She is married to a Foreigner - a species
called 'Native American' - meaning her five
children are half-breeds.
5) She has, on more than one occasion,
expressed PRIDE in the United States of
America.
6) Unlike decent, self-respecting Democrats
everywhere, she has a 17-year-old daughter
who became pregnant out of wedlock.
7) She is a member of the American Riflemen's
Association ... actually owns firearms ... and
knows how to use them.
8) She has killed a moose, among other animals
- and spreads the propaganda that it is hunters,
through their license fees, that keep American
wildlife from becoming extinct.
9) She often does her own grocery and other
household shopping.
10) She drives a car, and flies a plane.
11) She chose to give birth to a defective
child, rather than allow a skilled abortion
Doctor to kill it for her.
12) She refuses to apologize for seeking the
termination of an Alaskan State Trooper just
because he applied a gentle taser to his
12-year-old stepson (who, of course, happened
to be Gov. Palin's nephew).
13) She is inexperienced. And she refuses to
admit that her duties as the chief executive
in the State of Alaska are nowhere near
equal to those of a public servant who was
once a community organizer, or that of a
United States Senator who has carried the
awesome burden of overseeing a staff of
political appointees -- for a burdensome
137 days!!
14) She has a son who is in the U.S. Military,
deployed to the Persian Gulf - probably
making her prejudiced against all the
peaceful Muslims in that part of the world.
15) She is on Oprah Winfrey's 'Do Not Invite'
list!!!! (dear God!!!)
16) She professes to be a Christian, but
has no 'Spiritual Adviser' - even though
Rev. Jeremiah Wright, who served Sen.
Obama in that capacity for 20 years, appears
to be available....
17) She isn't really a 'beauty queen,' as
advertised. She was only the runner-up in
the Miss Alaska Contest; and Alaska is not
a very populous state, anyway -- slim pickens....
18) The Obama-Biden ticket is favored over
McCain-Palin, 80% to 20%, by our friendly
allies in France.
19) Her children are not properly trained
in hygiene. (Did you see her 7-year-old
daughter shamelessly lick the entire palm
of her hand at the convention, then use it
to slick down the hair of her little brother?)
20) She is of mixed English, German, and
Irish ancestry - and you KNOW you can't
trust the Limey's, Krauts, or Micks.
21) Back to No. 1: This is the one that really
galls modern, liberal 'feminists.' Gov. Palin
is a Woman, a female-type wife and mother,
who shaves her legs, wears makeup, dresses
smartly, often cooks meals for her family,
doesn't give a hoot about the National
Organization for Women or the all-powerful
Teachers Unions - and obviously will never,
ever fit in as a member of the "Washington Elite".
Do we want a person like this to be the
Vice-President of the United States ?
HELL, YESSSS!! You bet we do!!! :-)
#####

THE FACTS OF LIFE

2008-10-23T20:00:00.000-07:00

But the desire for free stuff is pandemic,
and Frosty Woodbridge at NewsWithViews.com
talks about this very point when he says that
“Our U.S. Senate along with Obama and
McCain protect the interests of 20 million
illegal aliens that take jobs from American
citizens!
Has either man EVER stepped up to stop
400,000 ANNUAL ILLEGAL alien anchor
babies and their mothers from sucking out
of the U.S. taxpayer’s pocket?
Even while 86 hospitals in California and
Arizona are bankrupted out of existence
because of millions of illegals using services
for free?”
(thanks to federal mandates!!)
#####

POLITICAL THEORY 101

2008-10-23T19:29:00.000-07:00

"Political Correctness" is a doctrine,
fostered by a delusional, illogical minority,
and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous
mainstream media, which holds forth the
proposition that
"it is entirely possible to pick up a turd
by the clean end".
#####

POLITICAL STRAGEGY

2008-10-22T17:32:00.001-07:00

Since President Bush currently has such a
low approval rating – why don’t we get
him – last minute, of course – to go on all
the networks and voice his support to elect
Barak Hussein Obama!

I bet McCain would win, for sure, by doing
that!
#####

THE BODIES

2008-10-20T23:59:00.000-07:00

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.
The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.The Coroner tells the Inspector: "First body is a 72 year old Frenchman.He died of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.""The second body is an Irishman, 25 years of age.
He won a thousand dollars on the lottery and spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?""Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one.
Nancy Pelosi, Speaker of the House, 66, struck by lightning.""Why is she smiling then?" inquires the Inspector."Thought she was having her picture taken."

CHICAGO

2008-10-17T00:06:00.000-07:00

Just the facts, sir!
Body count. In the last six months,
Chicago - 292 killed (murdered)
Iraq - 221

Chicago is a combat zone. Who is in charge?
The leadership in Illinois. And they are:
Senator Barack Obama (Democrat)
Senator Dick Durbin (Democrat)
Representative Jesse Jackson Jr. (Democrat)
Governor. Rod Blogojevich (Democrat)
House leader Mike Madigan (Democrat)
Attorney. General Lisa Madigan (daughter of Mike),
(Democrat)
Mayor Richard M. Daley (son of former Mayor
Richard J. Daley) (Democrat)
And who is to blame? Of course they're all
blaming each other. Why? They can't blame
Republicans -- there aren't any!
The state pension fund is $44 Billion in debt,
worst in country.
Cook County (Chicago) Sales tax 10.25%
highest in country. (Look it up if you want).
Chicago school system -- one of the worst in
the country.
This is the political culture that Obama comes
from in Illinois. And he says he is going to 'fix'
Washington politics? LOL
#####

SARAH AND THE POPE

2008-10-14T22:10:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin is invited to meet with the Pope while he is vacationing in Venice. The liberal press reluctantly watches the semi-private audience, hoping they will be able to allot minimal coverage, if any.

The Pope asks Governor Palin to join him on a Gondola ride through the canals of Venice. They’re admiring the sights and agreeing on moral issues when, all of a sudden, the Pope’s hat (zucchetto) blows off his head and out into the water. The gondolier starts to reach for the Pontiff’s cap with his pole, but this move threatens to overturn the floating craft.

Sarah waves the tour guide off, saying, “Wait, wait. I’ll take care of this. Don’t worry.” She steps off the gondola onto the surface of the water and walks out to the Pope’s hat, bends over and picks it up. She walks back across the water to the gondola and steps aboard. She hands the hat to the Pope amid stunned silence.

The next morning, the headlines and topic of conversation among Democrats in Congress, CBS News, NBC News, ABC News, CNN, the New York Times, Hollywood celebrities, and in France and Germany is:

"“Palin Can't Swim!”"
#####

ILLEGAL ALIENS

2008-10-13T18:35:00.001-07:00

From the MANITOBA HERALD, Canada :

The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The possibility of a McCain/Palin election is prompting the exodus among left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and agree with Bill O'Reilly.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, animal rights activists, and Unitarians crossing their fields at night. “I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn,” said Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield , whose acreage borders North Dakota . The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare Rush Limbaugh across the fields.

'Not real effective,' he said. 'The liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they wouldn't give milk.'

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them across the border and leave them to fend for themselves. 'A lot of these people are not prepared for rugged conditions,' an Ontario border patrolman said. 'I found one carload without a drop of drinking water.' They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though.'

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors have been circulating about the McCain administration establishing re-education camps in which liberals will be forced to shoot wolves from airplanes, deny evolution, and act out drills preparing them for the Rapture.

In recent days, liberals have turned to sometimes-ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior citizens on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers on Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney hits to prove they were alive in the '50s. 'If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get suspicious about their age,' an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon movies. 'I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them,' an Ottawa resident said. 'How many art-history and English majors does one country need?'
#####

THE DIFFERENCE

2008-10-13T18:13:00.000-07:00

Q: What’s the difference between a
pigeon and a Wall Street investment
banker?

A: The pigeon can still make a deposit
on a brand new Porsche.
#####

THANKSGIVING THOUGHT

2008-10-11T23:53:00.000-07:00

Just think - if the Indians had given
the Pilgrim fathers a donkey instead
of a turkey --
we all would be having a piece of ass
for thanksgiving!!
#####

NOTES FROM HEAVEN

2008-10-08T22:00:00.001-07:00

John McCain, Hillary Clinton, and Barack
Obama all die and go to heaven.
God looks down from his throne and asks
McCain, “Do you think you deserve to be
in heaven?”
McCain takes a breath and then replies,
“Well, I think so because I was a great
leader and tried to follow the words in
your Great Book.”
God looks down and then says, “You can
sit to my left side.”
So, McCain takes his seat and then God
asks the same question to Hillary,
“Do you think you deserve to be in
heaven?”
Hillary thinks for a second and then
replies, “I think so because I have been
fighting for the rights of so many people
for so long.”
God again looks down and this time says,
“You can sit to my right side.”
Finally God turns to Barack Obama and
asks, “Do you think you deserve to be in
heaven?”
Obama merely smiles and replies,
“I think you’re in my seat.....”
#####

BUBBA AND THE GUV'MINT

2008-10-08T21:54:00.000-07:00

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and
asked, 'Is it true theys suin' them cigarette
companies fer causing people to git cancer?'
'Yes, Bubba, sure is true,' responded the lawyer.
'And now someone is suin them fast food
restaurants Fer makin them fat and cloggin'
their arteries with all them burgers an fries,
is that true, Mista Lawyer?'
'Sure is, Bubba.'
'And that lady sued McDonalds for millions
when she was gave that hot coffee that she
ordered?'
'Yep.'
'And that football player sued that university
when he gradiated and still couldn't read?'
'That's right,' said the lawyer.'
'But why are you asking?'
'Well, I was thinkin . ..
What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser
fer all them ugly women I slept with?'
#####

THE DIFFERENCE

2008-10-05T23:52:00.000-07:00

On television today, a Democratic operative
pointed out that when Obama holds a rally
25-30,000 people show up -- whereas when
McCain holds one he only draws 10-15,000.

The Republican spokesman replied,
'That's understandable...most of McCain's
supporters are at work.....'
#####

CAMPAINING IN TEXAS

2008-10-04T22:27:00.000-07:00

I don't care who you are or what you believe in,
this is funny!!

Barack Obama, the lead Presidential Democratic
Party candidate, is for banning all guns in America.
He is considered by those who have dealt with
him as a bit more than just a little self-righteous.
At a recent rural elementary school assembly in
East Texas, he asked the audience for total quiet.
Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his
hands once every few seconds, holding the
audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone,
'Children, every time I clap my hands together,
a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud
East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said:
''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!!'
#####

PARKING TICKET STORY

2008-10-04T22:19:00.000-07:00

Maybe we should all try things like this!!
The other day I went downtown to run a few
errands. I went into the local coffee shop for
a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out, there was this cop writing
out a parking ticket.
I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about
giving a retired person a break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the
ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I
called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then
wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.
So I proceeded to call him 'doughnut eating
Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him
a moron in blue. This went on for about 20
minutes. The more I talked back to him the
more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't really care. I came
downtown on the bus. The car that he was
putting the tickets on had one of those
bumper stickers that said, "McCain in '08".
I try to have a little fun each day now that
I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's
important to my health!!
#####

HOW THE SENATE VOTED

2008-10-03T19:37:00.001-07:00

THIS IS THE COMPLETE LIST OF HOW
the senate voted on the bailout bill....
remember this at election time!!!!!

NEVER VOTE FOR AN INCUMBANT!!!!

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/1008/14196.html

POLITICS EXPLAINED

2008-10-01T00:38:00.000-07:00

THIS IS A NON-PARTISAN JOKE,
THAT CAN BE ENJOYED BY BOTH PARTIES!

While walking down the street one day a US
senator is tragically hit by atruck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by
St. Peter at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter...
'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem.
We seldom see a high official around these
parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do
with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the senator.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher
up. What we'll do is have you spend one day
in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in
heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator
and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors
open and he finds himself in the middle of a
green golf course. In the distance is a club house
and standing in front of it are all his friends and
other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.
They run to greet him, shake his hand, and
reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine
on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very
friendly guy who has agood time dancing and
telling jokes. They are having such a good time
that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves
while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up,
up, up and the door re-opens on heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a
group of contented souls moving from cloud
to cloud, playing the harp and singing.
They have a good time and, before he realizes
it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter
returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and
another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then answers:
'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean
heaven has been delightful, but I think I would
be better off in hell.'
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he
goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he's
in the middle of a barren land covered with
waste and garbage. He sees all his friends,
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting
it in black bags as more trash falls from above....
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm
around his shoulder.
'I don'tunderstand,' stammers the senator.
'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf
course and club house, and we ate lobster
and caviar, drank champagne,and danced
and had a great time. Now there's just a
wasteland full of garbage and my friends
look miserable. What happened??'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says.....
'Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted!!
#####

DISTRESSED SOLDIER

2008-09-25T23:25:00.001-07:00

UNCLASSIFIED
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath
he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your
skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two
Military Police ran up and asked, Sister,
have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled
out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't
thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't
want to go to Iraq ...'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but
you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little
higher, you would have seen agreat pair
of balls too.... I don't want to go to Iraq either!!'
#####

BAILOUT SATIRE

2008-09-23T23:36:00.000-07:00

Dear American:
I need to ask you to support an urgent secret business relationship with a transfer of funds of great magnitude. I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you. I am working with Mr. Phil Gram, lobbyist for UBS, who will be my replacement as Ministry of the Treasury in January. As a Senator, you may know him as the leader of the American banking deregulation movement in the 1990s. This transaction is 100% safe. This is a matter of great urgency. We need a blank check. We need the funds as quickly as possible. We cannot directly transfer these funds in the names of our close friends because we are constantly under surveillance. My family lawyer advised me that I should look for a reliable and trustworthy person who will act as a next of kin so the funds can be transferred. Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@ treasury. gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.
Yours Faithfully,
Minister of Treasury Paulson
#####

WORKING FOR THE GUV'MINT

2008-09-22T23:53:00.000-07:00

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,
the second man was an Accountant,
the third man was a Chemist, and
the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat, 'T-square, do your stuff.'

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said,
'Spreadsheet, do your stuff.'

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, 'Measure, do your stuff.'

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured
exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, 'What can your cat do?'

The Government Employee called his cat and said, 'CoffeeBreak, do your stuff.'

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet.......

ate the cookies..... ...

drank the milk.......

sh*t on the paper.......

screwed the other three cats.......

claimed he injured his back while doing so.......

filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.. .....

put in for Workers Compensation. ......... .....and

went home for the rest of the day on sick leave....... .....

AND THAT, MY FRIEND IS WHY EVERYONE
WANTS TO WORK FOR THE GOVERNMENT!!
#####

THE FIRST BOOK OF THE GOP

2008-09-21T20:42:00.000-07:00

FIRST BOOK OF GOP

George W. Is My Shepherd,
I Shall Want.
He Leadeth Me Beside Still Factories,
He Restoreth My Faith In The Democratic
Party,
He Guideth Me In The Paths Of Unemployment.

Yea, Though I Walk Through The Valley Of
The Forclosured
I Shall Not go Without Sleep.
And I Will Live Forever In a Rented Room.

George W. Has mortgaged my future with war
expenses.
My Expenses Runneth Over My Income,
Surely, Poverty And Hard Living Will Follow Me
All The Days Of My Life.

But I Am Glad I Am an American,
I Am Glad That I Am Free.
But For a Day, I Wish I Was A Dog,
And George W. was a Tree!!
####

MINNESOTA HUMOR

2008-09-20T00:13:00.000-07:00

Now this is just Minnesota funny. The Presidential election was too close to call. Neither the Republican candidate nor the Democratic candidate had enough votes to win. There was much talk about ballot recounting, court challenges, etc., but a week-long ice fishing competition seemed the sportsmanlike way to settle things. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win the election.Therefore, it was decided that there should be an ice fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the winner.After much of back and forth discussion, it was decided that the contest take place on a remote frozen lake in northern Minnesota .There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this isolated lake and return at 5 P.M. with their catch for counting and verification by a team of neutral parties. At the end of the first day, John Mc. returned to the starting line and he had ten fish.Soon, Obama returned and had no fish. Well, everyone assumed he was just having another 'bad hair' day or something and hopefully, he would catch up the next day.At the end of the 2nd day John Mc. came in with 20 fish and Obama came in again with none.That evening, Harry Reid got together secretly with Obama and said, 'Obama, I think John Mc. is a low-life, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see just ho w he is cheating.'The next night (after John Mc. returns with 50 fish), said to Obama, 'Well, tell me, how is John Mc. cheating?'Obama replied, 'Harry, you're not going to believe this, but he's cutting holes in the ice!!'
#####